From next season, there will be a staggering 375 new laws affecting the game of football. We highlight some of the radical changes to the game.

1. A player will not be offside if there is more than one ignited flare, deranged fan or Amstel bottle filled with piss between him and the goal line.

2. Whenever an opposition player sees Wayne Rooney, he must affect a look as if he has been frightened out of his skin, before collapsing to the ground.

3. To avoid confusion over the colour of referee's tops, all match officials will be naked. However, they will keep cards, whistles, flags, lipstick and watches wedged between their arse cheeks.

4. The per player fee for throwing a match will rise from 20,000 Euros to 25,000.

Goalie - Must have 'great goalmouth presence'... which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty diving was at a céilí in 1965 when his version of The Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

Right Corner Back - The quiet man of the line-up. He seems to escape the jokes in the dressing room just because no one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. Only physical contact with a woman consists of the 'Sign of Peace' handshake at Mass on a Sunday morning, so he always makes sure to sidle into the pew beside a couple a' fine lookin' young wans.

Full Back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nosebleed if he passes beyond his own 50-yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

Left Corner Back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and absurdly fast superstar in the making.

Right Half Back - Just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not going to give you a game".

Centre Back - Disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at AGM and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.

Left Half Back - County u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger.

Midfielder - Chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round in at the post-match piss-up.

Midfielder - The full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

Right Half Forward - Quietly spoken businessman who hails from the village but is living now in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox in National School"

Centre Forward - The third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of them. Probably the local A.I. man or something.... By the way, that's not A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

Left Half Forward - Utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the team's main source of points.

Right Corner Forward - Happily married man who hasn't played football since he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. His natural talent - like his genitalia - is completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

Full Forward - Hasn't scored since the end of the Emerge

sorry tess for stealing these, dont kill me!!

Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Originally, Jawbreakers were in the shape of Chuck Norris' fist

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. Nobody has ever dared question his motives.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.

Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.

Jeeves asks Chuck Norris.

When driving in his SUV, Chuck Norris always swerves out of the way if a squirrel is in the road. Not because he finds their antics amusing, but because it gives him a chance to run over pedestrians.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris has to sort his laundry into three loads: darks, whites, and bloodstains.

Water boils faster when Chuck Norris watches it.

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck

Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.