Jessica Simpson's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Mel Gibson's Answer:
Why do you think the chicken crossed the road? Because its a (censored) Jew. Jews think they can just (censored) cross the street whenever they want. Jewish chickens are responsible for all the wars in the world...are you a Jew??

Homer Simpson's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Snoop Dogg's Answer:
This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know
what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to.
That's the (censored) reason.

1. Most Blues begin “woke up this morning.”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in right away:I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.I got a good woman—with the meanest face in town.She got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weighs 500 pounds.

4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Other acceptable Blues transportation modes include Greyhound buses and southbound trains. Walkin’ plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running.

6. Adults sing the Blues. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. In the Blues, "adulthood" means old enough to get the electric chair when you shoot that man in Memphis.

7. You can have the Blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, Tucson, or North Dakota are just depression. The best places to have the Blues are still Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg while skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg when your broken-down pickup truck rolled over on it is.

9. The following colors do not belong in the Blues: violet, beige, mauve (unless you’re truly desperate for a rhyme).

9. You can’t have the Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is just plain wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places to have the Blues: the highway, a jailhouse, an empty bed, the bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places to have the Blues: ashrams, gallery openings, weekends in the Hamptons, golf courses, Tiffany's, and Ivy League institutions.

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man—and it’s an old black suit.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Answer “Yes” if:
a. your first name is a southern state—like Georgia
b. you’re blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can’t be satisfied.
e. you're older than dirt
Answer “No” if:
a. you once were blind but now can see.
b. you’re deaf
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a trust fund or an IRA.
e. you have all your teeth
f. you were once blind but now can see

13. Blues is not about color, it's about bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Gary Coleman could. Ugly old white people got a leg up on the blues. Julio Iglesias and Barbra Streisand will never sing the Blues.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: wine, whiskey, muddy water, beer, black coffee. Blues beverages are NOT: mixed drinks, kosher wine, sparkling water, Snapple, Starbucks Frappuccino, or Slim Fast. Although Rubber Biscuits and the Wish Sandwich are famous blues snacks, better stick to common blues grub like Greasy Bar-b-que, Fatback and beans, and Government cheeze. Blues food is never: Club sandwich, Sushi, or Crème brule.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a Blues death. So is substance abuse, the electric chair, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a Blues death to die during liposuction or from tennis elbow.

16. Excellent names for female Blues singers: Sadie, Big Momma, Bessie, or Fat River Dumpling. Excellent names for male Blues singers: Willie, Joe, Little Willie, Lightning, or Big Willie. Singers with na

The Panel says: Hatred will always find a way, and will always be able to outpace linguistic correctness.

The Panel says: If God drove a car, what sort of car would it be?

The Panel says: what’s the point of smiting someone hip and thigh?

The Panel says: Santa Claus wants more mistletoe, and less cookies, under the Christmas tree.

The Panel says: Why do you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery is dead?

The Panel says: If God was a car, he’d have a badass car stereo with a 10 CD changer, and speakers that would take down a small suspension bridge.

The Panel says: epistemology – waddya know?

The Panel says: they don’t show you how to make an advent crown on Blue Peter anymore.

The Panel says: change and decay in all around I see.

The Panel says: If God had a badass carstereo, he’d bang the wheel with the heel of his hand in time to the music when he was stuck in traffic, and sing along to his Foo Fighters CD.

The Panel says: If today was not an endless highway, and tonight was not a crooked trail, if tomorrow wasn’t such a long time, then lonesome would mean nothing at all.

The Panel says: If the Confectioner was God, would she do a miracle so that everyone loved Jammie Dodgers?

The Panel says: Not the face!!! NOT THE FACE!!!!

The Panel says: The most likely way for the world to be destroyed is by an accident.

The Panel says: It is the mark of an educated mind to rest satisfied with the degree of precision which the nature of the subject admits and not to seek exactness where only an approximation is possible.

The Panel says: Claire Byrne’s hair – too high or what?

The Panel says: Every sentence that we utter must be understood not as an affirmation, but as a question.

The Panel says: does ANYONE understand those PSP dustball ads?