DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p**s before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards

Verse:
Dbm – Ab – Dbm – C – D – E-E7
A – B – E – A – F#m – B – E - Am

Chorus:
Dm – Bb – C – Dm – Dm – Bb – C - Dm

what'll you do when you get lonely… and noone’s waiting by your side?
you've been running and hiding much too long… you know it's just your foolish pride

layla, you've got me on my knees… layla, I'm begging, darling please… Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

I tried to give you consolation… when your old man had let you down
Like a fool, I fell in love with you… turned my whole world upside down

layla, you've got me on my knees… layla, I'm begging, darling please… Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

let's make the best of the situation… before I finally go insane
please don't say we'll never find a way… and tell me all my love's in vain.

layla, you've got me on my knees… layla, I'm begging, darling please… Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

layla, you've got me on my knees… layla, I'm begging, darling please… Layla, darling won't you ease my worried mind.

Verse:
A – Dsus2 – F#m-E – Dsus2 – A – Dsus2 – Bm – E

Bridge:
Bm – E – A – Dsus2 – Bm – E – G – G

Chorus:
A – Dsus2 – Bm - E

I think I've already lost you I think you're already gone… I think I'm finally scared now you think I'm weak - but I think you're wrong… i think you're already leaving feels like your hand is on the door… I thought this place was an empire but now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure

I think you're so mean - I think we should try… I think I could need - this in my life… I think I'm just scared - I think too much… I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home… there's an awful lot of breathing room… but I can hardly move… if you're gone - baby you need to come home… cuz there's a little bit of something me in everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over… I bet the room just won't shine… I bet my hands I can stay here… I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try… I think I could need - this in my life… I think I'm just scared - that I know too much… I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home…there's an awful lot of breathing room… but I can hardly move… if you're gone - baby you need to come home… cuz there's a little bit of something me… in everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try… I think I could need - this in my life… I think I'm just scared – do I talk too much… I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

if you're gone - maybe it's time to go home…there's an awful lot of breathing room… but I can hardly move… if you're gone - baby you need to come home… cuz there's a little bit of something me… in everything in you