Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: So the sheep won't hear the zip.

Q: What's the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.

Q: What do the gynecologist and the Domino's delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the pie but neither one of them can eat it.

Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.

Q: How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
A: Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?
A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.

Q: What's brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.

Q: What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A: Wipe it off and apologise.

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What is the difference between tampons and mobile phones ?
A: Mobile phones are for assholes.

Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.

“Bristow reasons . . . Bristow quickens ... Aaah, Bristow.”

“Jockey Wilson . . . What an athlete.”

“That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!”

“He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed”

“Look at the man go, its like trying to stop a waterbuffalo with a pea-
shooter”

“The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in with a portion of chips, you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them”

“Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.”

“It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline”

“Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your neck out”

“His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry ch.affinch”

“That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus.”

“It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia.”

“His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna.”

“He's as cool as a prized marrow!”

“Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint.”

“He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave.”

“The pendulum swinging back and forth like a metronome”

“His face is sagging with tension.”

“The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board.”

“He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends.”

“That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank”

“As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here.”

“He is as slick as minestrone soup”

“There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions.”

“The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!”

“This lad has more checkouts than Tescos.”

“John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians”

“When I see Steve Davis I see two letters... C S... Cue Sorceror”

“By the time of the final on Sunday he should be fit to burst!”

“There's only one word for that - magic darts!”

“Keith Deller's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy!”

“I don't know what he's had for breakfast but Taylor knocked the Snap, Crackle and Pop outta Bristow”

“Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles”

“Steve Beaton - The adonis of darts, what poise, what elegance - a true roman gladiator with plenty of hair wax.”

“If you're round your auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookie's and come thru to the living room and watch these two amazing
athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other”

“When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer..... Bristow's only 27.”

“Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we've got drama with a capital D in Essex.”

“If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have gone home.”

“He's playing out of his pie crust.”

“They won't just have to play outta their skin to beat Phil Taylor. They'll have to play outta their essence!”

“Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in overall body strength.”

“There's no one quicker than these two tungsten tossers... ”

“Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured, whereas Bobby George is like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.”

“He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league”

“Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts orbit!”

“The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu.”

“Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a choo-choo train!”

“He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory.”

“Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis”

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

880 million people will watch the superbowl worldwide. During this, USA crimerate will fall dramatically.

Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.

Nobody knows who built the Taj Mahal. The names of the architects, masons, and designers that have come down to us have all proved to be latter-day inventions, and there is no evidence to indicate who the real creators were.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

The elephant is the only animal with 4 knees. They are also the only mammals that cannot jump.

Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.

A snail can sleep for three years.

A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.

If you keep a goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.

A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War 2 killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin Look-alike contest.

Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

The Roman Catholic Church did not acknowledge that the earth revolves around the sun until the mid 1990’s.

A novel with 50,000 words, non of which contained the letter ‘E’ was written by Ernest Wright.

Gibraltar is the only place in Europe were you can find wild monkeys.

There are only 18 countries richer than Bill Gates.

Despite a population of over a billion, China has only about 200 family names.

In space you cannot cry because there is no gravity to make the tears flow.

The number of births in India each year is greater than the entire population of Australia.

There is a city called Rome in every continent.

Armadillos are able to contract leprosy.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

The life expectancy of a modern toilet is 50 years.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Black whales are born white.

The placement of a donkeys eyes in its' head allow it to see all four feet at all times.

Cattle are the only mammal to pee backwards.

Frogs cannot swallow without blinking.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

60% of statistics are made up