Uh title has fuck all to do with this. To be hoest it might get deleted. In which case this whole bit explaining the title will also get deleted... which is a shame cause i'll never get that 30 seconds of my life back... Well i suppose it will have relevance when i actually get on and shove in appropriate quotes etc.

"I never asked for this or planned it in advanced... i was merely blown here on the winds of chance..."

I'm skeptical of blogs, they are an unknown creature to me, but, as with most things, I will give em a try.
Its so fucking cold here right now. I mean jesus- we invented fire- why are we still cold?! Damn people who can afford central heating and double glazing and... clothes.

"They call me wonderful, so i am wonderful..."

I'm liking me right now... oh dear... now theres a sentance thats going to get some hate from it hahaha but its true. I really like me! I dont understand why that so fucking rare these days, no ones ever happy with who they are and how they look. Learn not to give a shit people- get some confidence up ya!

"Dont wish, don't start- wishing only wounds the heart"

And listen to snippets like that. Dont plan just kinda fall and hope the grounds nice a spoungey- and if its not then fuck it! what a dick of a ground its being- get far away from it and start again- and now you know what hard ground looks like you might be able to find softer stuff...
oh dear my analergies are a bit strange.... and my spellings fucking disgraceful
Let me just warm up mmy hands a bit before i continue...

"What is this feeling so sudden and new? I felt the moment I laid eyes on you!"

So yeah, its a kind of crossroads time.... one of those 'where am i?' moments, like you've just woken up and can't remember where you are or how you got there and why is there a bottle of brandy in my hand?
so yeah- wont go into why its a crossroads but it is....

"Sure i meant well- well look at what well meant did!"

I'm very bad at picking up the peices in my life... i usually just kinda sweep them under a rug and wait until theres no space under it anymore and then move house and buy a whole new rug....

"wickedness must be punished- evil infect it we will eliminate it!"

jesus sorry...
its just a bit of shit under a carpet right?
oh dear....
I have a feeling this is not how blogs are meant to generally go... (surrealest rants about carpets and injokes using lyrics)
*sigh* Hunter S- where are you when we need you most? i need some Gonzo consolation baby! Get down with the funky.
pfft gay off
Lilt
xx

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Decker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix or Syd Barrett in vain.
Thou shalt not think any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child that is not their own is a pedophile - Some people are just nice.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thou shalt not stop likin' a band just 'cause they’ve 'come popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by its cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products, thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants - use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoaks.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you done your shitty little poem or song, you self-righteous prick.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out, just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna fucking talk to.

Thou shalt not put musicians and recording artists on ridiculous pedestals no matter how great they are or were.
The Beatles - Were just a band.
Led Zepplin - Just a band.
The Beach Boys - Just a band.
The Sex Pistols - Just a band.
The Clash - Just a band.
Crass - Just a band.
Minor Threat - Just a band.
The Cure - Were just a band.
The Smiths - Just a band.
Nirvana - Just a band.
The Pixies - Just a band.
Oasis - Just a band.
Radiohead - They're just a band.
Bloc Party - Just a band.
The Arctic Monkeys - Just a band.
The Next Big Thing - Just a band!

Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music, thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho.”
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop.”
When I say, he say, she say, we say, make some noise - kill me.

[Ah, forgot where I was, hang on]

Thou shalt not quote Me Happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a Polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt not spell the word “Phoenix” P-H-E-O-N-I-X, not P-H-O-E-N-I-X, regardless of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Brad at club last night by saying “Izzit.”
Thou shalt think for yourselves.

And thou shalt always, thou shalt always... kill.

I started to learn the real meaning of love when my grandfather died. I sat at his funeral whilst everyone around me seemed to drown themselves in the tears; pointless. I couldn’t understand it. I really couldn’t grasp the situation. I suppose maybe I still cant but I understand enough.
I’ll try to set the scene for you. The pews were hard, cold uncomfortable and had a weird stale feel to them. It didn’t help that we were all crammed up against each other or that we had hymn books crushed into out legs that didn’t quite fit into the self in the pew in front, as in all churches it seems. There was also this huge sense of awkwardness and above the singing I heard my mind telling myself that I didn’t belong there. I had never felt it so strongly in my life but I was convinced that everyone there had something that I was missing. It hurt. They were all together in this. They were all joined by the sadness at his parting and I sat there and wondered why I couldn’t cry over his death. It felt horrible. I felt helpless and cold. I felt that I was the worse person alive.
All the vicar said, all the family could talk about was how wonderful a man he was and I could think of was how selfish I was. I was bitter, cold, uncaring and I felt like an outcast amongst them.
I had to watch my grandmother cry and, in the months that followed, watch her grow weaker and watch her die until finally I had to watch her coffin and the vicar and family talk about how great she was but it was different then. I talked too. I could share in that feeling of loss and sadness, but I couldn’t share anything for my granddad. I convinced myself then that it was because he wasn’t actually related to me. My gran had married again so I had no blood tie. I wasn’t his granddaughter. I didn’t have to be sad that he was gone. I know now that that’s all a lie. It was just an excuse and it didn’t last long. I soon had to come to terms with the fact that I never loved my grandfather and that mourning that fact would be pointless because I can now never grow to love him. I had missed out on his love. I thought that I could make up for this by spending more time with my gran but it wasn’t long before she became too ill to stay in her house and had to go into hospital, where I wasn’t able to see her. I suppose it was a stupid idea anyway. You can’t compensate one person for another. It just doesn’t work. As William McIlvanney says in his poem about the loss of his grandmother, “themselves to the living is all we have to give.”
I can’t explain how I changed. There was no conscience that told me it was time. I can only pinpoint it back to roughly after my grandfather’s funeral. I suppose I learnt the fragility of life. I began to live life to the full. I understood that any second I could die and so I realised that any second anyone around me could die and so there was no point in self hatred and that I should love them all. I embraced everyone to me and trusted everyone fully. I was brimming with love and joy, a walking cliché. I changed again. The more people you love the more times you are let down so instead I concentrated everything on a few close friends.
They became everything to me. The people I was alive for and it was then that my grandmother died. I smiled at her funeral. I preferred it to crying. There I was smiling at the long and beautiful life she lived and all those beautiful shining tears falling down the loving, wrinkled faces around me. And it was then I had my final revelation.
You can’t control love. It follows its own rules. The only thing you can do is block it of, but what would be the point in that? Life and love; they go together. You can’t have one without the other. The only way you can learn the true meaning of love is if you take things as they come. Don’t try to love everyone only to have them break your heart and don’t try to love only one or two people or you will forget to live for yo