what to do in shops
SuperMarket Fun

01. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

02. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals

03. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies toilet.

04. Walk up to an employee and tell him?her in an official tone: Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

05. Move a 'CAUTION -WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

06. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why
can't you people just leave me alone?"

07. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

08. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the Assistant if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

09. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

10. Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

11. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the foetal position and scream " NOOOO! ........It's those voices again!!!"

12. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."

The Vodka Scooter...
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought, "How on earth did I get home?" As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a "Vodka Scooter". The Vodka Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman God of Wine. The Vodka Scooter works in the following fashion - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Vodka Scooter. The Scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via
a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out, "How did I spend so much money?" Unfortunately,
Vodka Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as bruised legs, stubbed toes, scratched hands and a sore spot on the top of your
head. An undocumented feature of the Vodka Scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for! This answers a third question after a night out, "What the hell happened?" With good
intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily
the REMIT of another's and quite often, lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong bedroom with the wrong person, often with horrific consequences. Vodka Scooters come equipped with Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake either everyone else in the house or your
downstairs neighbours. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
wearing just a small outfit for the ladies or for the men no jacket. Vodka scooters.........the wonders of modern technology....... have you ever had a ride on one??!!

More words of wisdom....
Lets face it...Someone will always be prettier. They will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. The contents of their wardrobe will be better and far more expensive...


So let it go, and love you and your circumstances. Think about it...The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart. The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children. The richest woman you know-she's got the car, the house, the clothes might be lonely.


So.......love you. Love who you are right now. Tell yourself "I am too blessed to be stressed."