KRYTEN: My goodness, I do believe I am drunk. I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.

CAMILLE: Please! I can't meet your shipmates. Trust me.
KRYTEN: But you don't know them! You'll like them! Well, some of them. Well, one of them. Maybe.

RIMMER: You are a total, total... a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that.

HOLLY: Additional. As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you?

RIMMER: Ah. You. Where have you been?
CAT: Investigating. Investigating this, investigating that. General investigation.

RIMMER: Mayday! Mayday! I wonder why it's "Mayday."
LISTER: Eh?
RIMMER: The distress call. Why d'you say "Mayday"? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday" or "Ascension Sunday"? Ascension Sunday! Ascension Sunday! The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost! The fifteenth Wednesday after Pentecost!

RIMMER: Uh, Kryten, take point. I've seen those movies. It's always the guy in the lead who buys it first. You take the front.
KRYTEN: Well, if it's movies we're talking about, sir, in my experience it's usually the poor fellow who's bringing up the rear that gets picked off first, so the others aren't aware that they're under attack.
RIMMER: You're right, you're right. Can you take the front and the back, so I can go in the middle?
KRYTEN: I'll do my best, sir.

RIMMER: Well, at least he gets twenty-four hours notice. That's more than most of us get. All most of us get is, "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" Splat!

RIMMER: Holly, I'd like to send an internal memo. Black border. Begins, "To Dave Lister, Condolences on your passing away." What's that poem? "Now, weary traveller, rest your head; for just like me, you're utterly dead."

KRYTEN: Oh, it's no good sir, I just can't lie! I'm programmed always to tell the truth.
LISTER: Kryten, it's easy! (holds up an apple) Look, an orange. (holds up an orange) A melon. (holds up a banana) A female aardvark.
KRYTEN: Oh! Oh, that is just so superb, sir! How do you do that? Especially calling a banana an aardvark? An aardvark isn't even a fruit! It's total genius!

RIMMER: Oh, yes, I expect they cured death the instant we left Earth. I expect doctors' surgeries are packed with the dead. "Hello, Mrs Johnson, take one of these three times a day, you'll soon be living again. Carol, next corpse, please."

LISTER: "I write to -" I can't read that. Oh, "I write to inform." "I write to inform you that your father is dad." Well, of course he is.

LISTER: "To the lease holder of Kryten 2X4B 523P." That's your full name?
KRYTEN: Yes, but personally I don't much like the 2X4B. I think it's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse. I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q4B. Poor sucker!

CAT: You really think you can clone yourself from your own dandruff?
RIMMER: Why not? Dandruff has DNA in it. That machine has a clone facility.
CAT: But a man made from dandruff? It's never going to work. The first time you take a shower with medicated shampoo, you'll disappear.

TOASTER: You know the last time you had toast? Eighteen days ago. 11:36, Tuesday the third. Two rounds.
LISTER: Ssshhh!
TOASTER: I mean, what's the point of buying a toaster with artificial intelligence if you don't like toast?
LISTER: I do like toast.
TOASTER: I mean, this is my job! This is cruel! Just cruel!
LISTER: Look, I'm busy!
TOASTER: Oh, you're not busy eating toast, are you?
LISTER: I don't want any!
TOASTER: I mean, the whole purpose of my existence is to serve you with hot, buttered, scrummy toast. If you don't want any, then my existence is meaningless.
LISTER: Good.
TOASTER: I toast, therefore I am.
LISTER: Will you shut up?!

LISTER: Everywhere I look reminds me of food. Look at these books. Charles Lamb, Herman Wok, the complete works of Sir F

To unlock him you have to run your finger down his face, and if he was getting devorced from Paul McCarthy, he would keep his stupid, whining mouth shut.”
He knows 2 facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong, and that he once, accidently, introduced the queen to a greek racialist.” (thanks Josh E)
If you lick his chest, It tastes the exact same as Piccalilli, and at the brit awards he was arrested for goosing Russal Brand.”
He gets terrible eczema on his helmet and that if he'd been the video ref in the world cup rugby final he would of seen that,,, of course it was a try you blind Australian halfwit.”
That he once had a vicious knife fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the cash for honours scandal.”
Raw meat is the Stig's favorite food.”
He is terrified of bats.”
His skin has the texture of dolphins.”
If you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts.”
He does not see like humans do, instead he sees numbers in green scrolling down.” (a reference to the The Matrix).
He once punched a horse to the ground.”
His politics are terrifying.”
His favourite philosopher is Immanuel Kant.”
He isn't machine washable, and that all his potted plants are called steve.”
He has no understanding of clouds.”
His earwax tastes like Turkish Delight.”
He can accumbularate.”
There's an airport in Russia named after him.”
His tears are adhesive.”
If set alight, he'd burn for a thousand days.”
He is scared of ducks.”
the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nürburgring”
he has a digital face, and if he wanted to, he could fire Alan Sugar...”
his crash helmet is modeled on Britney Spear's head.”
he sucks the moisture from ducks.”
he is allgergic to the dutch.”
he never blinks.”
he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves.”
he is wanted by the CIA.”
he sleeps upside down like a bat.”
he appears on high value stamps in Sweden.”
he can catch fish with his tongue.”
he is illegal in 17 U.S. states.”
he has breath that smells of magnesium.”
he is scared of bells.”
he naturally faces magnetic north.”
he has hydraulic legs.”
he lives in a tree.”
his sweat can be used to clean precious metals.”
his heart ticks like a watch.”
he is confused by stairs.”
his voice can only be heard by cats.”
he has 2 sets of knees.”
he once through a microwave oven at a tramp, and that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goodie was, A racist pig faced waste of blood and Organs!"

All we know is, he's called The Stig


”Some say...

that he is a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese.

All we know is, that he's not the Stig. He's the Stig's American cousin.”


”Some say...

that he has seen the LionKing 1780 times and that his second best friend is a cape Buffalo.

All we know is, that he's not the Stig. He's the Stig's African cousin.”

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. Do you hav a crush on me?
5. Would u kiss me?
6. Give me a nickname and explain why?
7. Describe me in 1 word...
8. What was ur first impression of me?
9. Do u still fink the same?
10. What reminds u of me?
11. If you could give me anything wot would it be?
12. How well do u no me?
13. Whens the last tym u saw me?
14. Eva wanted 2 tell me sumthing u couldnt?
15. Are you goin 2 put this on ur blog & see wot i say about u?