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WOT THE FUCK lol
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F***ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it
is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people
do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser,
I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a
choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come
yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So
what did they used to be? Ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No
it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an
image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't
insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering..... It has to be a
McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have
a McStraw, and jam it in your McEyes you f***ing McTosser

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?



For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'



Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an

intellectual way..



Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer

magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had

one son, Jack.



In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple

produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull

Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.



Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high

school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt

divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were

living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then

known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.



Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a

rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six

children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout

childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual

ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and

Horse.



Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently

returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.



NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can

correct them.



Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

HANGOVERS!!! 183 days ago

1 STAR HANGOVER

No pain. no real feeling of illness. You slept in your own bed and when you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you.

You are still able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka and Red Bulls.

However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as parched as the Sahara.

Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a bag of fries.

2 STAR HANGOVER

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler.

The coffee you hug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full Irish breakfast.

Although you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 STAR HANGOVER

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and not so productive.

Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because the perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 am.

Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a kebab and a litre of coke watching daytime TV.

You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 6 chicken nuggets and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

4 STAR HANGOVER

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might spew.

Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze.

You wore nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you (depending on your gender) either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, or, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the dodgems.

Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from a second-grade class circa 1976.

You would give a weeks pay for one of the following - home time, a cheeseburger and somewhere to be alone, or a Time Machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

You scare small children in the street just by walking past them.

5 STAR HANGOVER

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you.

Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy.

You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth.

Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.

You'd cry but that would take the last drop of moisture left in your body.

Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ..... very gently.

6 STAR HANGOVER

You arrive home and climb into bed.

Sleep comes instantly, as you were fighting it all the way home in the taxi.

You get about 2 hours sleep until the noises inside your head wake you up.

You notice that your bed has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.

No matter what you do you now, you're going to chuck.

You stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet.

If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls.

You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting,