At the moment I have been obsessing about my image; what people see me as, what people think of me. More than anything I want to experience how others see me through their eyes. I want to see people's first impressions of me. I'm beginning to form a phobia of stereotypes. I don't want to have a stereotype and I've been searching and searching for a style that doesn't really have a stereotype. I hate stereotypes. They scare me. People judge others so much on their stereotypes. The minute they meet you they automatically put you into a box. They treat you depending on what you look like and what you wear. They assume so many things because of how you dress. I'm getting extremely paranoid that everyone is bitching about me behind my back. I keep feeling that I'm some kind of weird freak and everyone else has this mutual agreement that I should be rejected from society. I feel like one of those kids that nobody likes. The snotty nosed kid in your class, the mentally disabled boy, the ugly kid, the guy who smells bad. We all know who we're talking about. The people that never really have real friends. They go through their entire school life, and into their life after school trying and trying to make friends. The people that are so desperate for friends that they try too hard. And no one likes a try hard. I feel like that try hard. I think everything I say is so stupid. Every time I speak I hate myself. I hate being the immature one in the group. I hate being judged by age. I hate when people hide things from you because you're 'too young to deal with it'. I hate judgement, I really do. And lately, it's been driving me insane. I am constantly trying to create myself, constantly trying to find the me that makes me happy. I wish I was someone people could truly love, someone that everyone knows is the man. Most of all though, I wish I was a better person. I wish I was good at something. I wish I had something going for me. But I have nothing. I'm not going anywhere. Everything I try at, I fail at. Everything I really enjoy, I fail at. It feels like my school years are slipping away without me achieving anything in life. I'm not ready to be in the last few years of school. I'm not ready to be on my own. I'm not ready to fight to pay rent, make my own meals and pay for my own doctor. I don't have enough motivation and energy to do all that. I don't have enough comittment.I give up almost everything I try at. I am a quitter. I'd rather wallow in my own emotions that suck it up and go out there and try. I've completely lost who I am.

I think a lot of the time the kind of people I am attracted to are the people society says you can't be attracted to. The kind of people society says it's unnatural, wrong, disgusting to be attracted to. I think rebelling against society's 'norm' appeals to me. I don't understand how people can limit who you are allowed to love. Whether it's age, gender, race, class or relatives or whatever else. I believe there are no borders on who you can love. There shouldn't be a box saying this is allowed and this is not. Love is beautiful. Love should not be cut off. Love should soar. We should not limit the amount of love being given to each other. Love is what unites countries, what prevents war and killing and pain. Love creates feeling, what heals heart. Love is beautiful.

I constantly trying to improve myself, constantly trying to make you proud. Constantly trying to show you that I'm not a failure. I wish you would see. I'm trying so hard every single day.
I wish you would be proud of me. I try so hard and every day you expect more, you push me further. It's too hard. I can't be perfect. I'm not like them. I never was. Does that mean I'm worthless? I know you think so. I see it. I see how disappointed you are in me. I see it every day. I see how frustrated I make you, but I can't be any better. I can't try any harder. I'm pushing myself as hard as I can go. If I try any harder I'll collapse.
I wish you would get off my back about everything. I wish you'd loosen up. I wish you'd understand.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to react, how to help you. I feel so helpless. I wish there was something I could do. But that's the hardest thing. I can't do anything to make it go all away. It's too horrible. I can't imagine how much pain you're in. It feels like a dream, like this isn't really happening. But I'm here for you. I love you. I wish there was more I could do.

I believe the outdoors is where you find yourself. Your beliefs, your values, your inner you. It's where mistakes are forgotten and problems resolved. It’s where fresh starts are made and second chances given. The outdoors is one of the only places you can be at peace with yourself, without all the traffic noise and the talking, just silence. And in that silence you can look within yourself and truly see yourself. So really I believe all these things happen in silence. But the outdoors is one of the few places you can get silence. Or very quiet. I think people underestimate the power of the outdoors. I believe every living creature is equal, and deserves to be treated equally. People sometimes say to me "well, plants are living, do you treat them with the same respect and give them the same rights as a human being?" or "If you don't believe in killing living things, why do you not eat meat but eat vegetables?". My answer is because plants don't have brains. Yes, they are alive and they do have feelings but they don't have brains to tell them that they're feeling pain. If we had no brain we wouldn't know what was going on and wouldn't be able to feel pain. I try to accept everyone's beliefs, no matter how ridiculous I find them. It's their life and they can believe what they like. Sure, I like to challenge people's beliefs sometimes. But I'd never tell someone they have to believe something. I wish everyone believed what I believed, but it's not my place to tell them how to live their lives. I love meeting new and different people and listening to their life stories. I love listening to people's different beliefs and values.