1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?. Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, Has the bus come yet?. If the bus came would I be standing here, Knob head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering. It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you're involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' 'Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off'.

001. Name–Christina Anne Krakatoa Kia-ora
002. Nickname– Tini
003. Single or taken - Taken
004. Zodiac Sign - Boris The Tool
005. Male or Female - Female
006. School: Of Rock!
007. iPod - yes please
008. How many buddies on your list: pass
010. Hair Color- dark brown with orange bits
012. Hair Long or Short –long
014. Eye Color - dark brown
015. Are you health freak –i'm a freak...in bed & always
016. Height- 5 foot 6/7 i think
017. Do you have a crush on someone – lots of people
018. Do you like yourself - i'm amazing
019. Braces? – nope
020. Think your awesome? -of course
021. Piercings - ears, used to have belly button, would like cliterol hood, perhaps nipple
022. Tattoo -3
023. Righty or Lefty -lefty, all the best genius' are

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. Surgery –nope
025. Piercing -ears
026. First best friend – michelle kean when at nursery aged 3/4
027. First Award – general excellence certificate in 1st year
028. First Sport You Joined -havn't joined
029. First pet – dog
030. First vacation -Amsterdam
031. First Concert – Chemical Brothers @ Glasgows Barrowlands 1997...i think
032. First love - Alex Dimitrades, character from Heartbreak High
___Favorites___

033. Movie – Gone With The Wind, Midnight Cowboy & Darby O'gill and The Little People...et al
034. Favorite tv show – Neighbours, without a doubt!
035. Colour - green
036. Music – too many to mention...Belle & Sebastian, The White Stripes...
039. Drink –great coffee
040. Body part not on the face - mammory glands
041. Sport To Play - mudwrestling
042. Favorite piece of clothing – at the mo. Danny's jammie bottoms
043. Brand Of Clothing? - too individual for this question
044. What do you sleep with? –a hot blooded, hott!!! full stop . Tom
045. Favorite School - Dalkeith High
046. Favorite Animal(s) – parrot ir minor bird
047. Favorite Books -Charles Bukowski, Terry Pratchett
048. Favorite Magazines- ones with free stuff

____Currently____

049. I'm eating – fox's crunch creams avec snickers chocolatey spread
050. I'm drinking - tea
052. I'm about to – go to bed
053. Listening to – the tv
055. Waiting For - a star to fall
056. Watching - Shameless
057. Wearing - a frown

____Your Future____

058. Want Kids? - yeah
059. Want to Get Married? - yes though it seems i'm too much to handle
060. Careers in Mind? - Social Worker by day Super Hero by night
061. Life? - was an accident

___On Boys___

068. Lips or Eyes - don't care though wouldn't like sneaky eyes or horrible pussie lips
069. Hugs or Kisses - bit of both
070. Shorter or Taller – taller
072. Romantic, Spontaneous or larma -romantic - what's 'larma' romantic??? what the hell, all 3
073. nice body or nice arse - depends on what the draw isfirst place
074. Sensitive or Loud – bit of both
075. Hook-up or Relationship - relationship
076. Sweet or Caring – both not too sweet
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant?- bit of both

___Have you ever___

078. Kissed a Stranger -yes
079. Drank bubbles - ur wot? - from a few origins
080. Lost glasses/contacts – nah
081. Ran Away From Home – yessiree n
082. Broken a bone – yes, broke and dislocated my fingers
083. Got an X-ray – yep, on fingers oh, and at the dentist
084. Broken Someone's Heart – a few
086. Turned Someone Down - yes

___Do You Believe In___

089. God - i'm still researching this one
090. Miracles - no
091. Love at first sight – yes
093. Aliens - yes
094. Magic - yes
095. Heaven - not heaven, no
096. Santa Claus - obviously not
097. Sex on the first date – have done
098. Kissing on the First Date - yes
099. Angels - ya!!

___Final Question__

100. Who would you most like to walk through your door right now? - a Dominos Pizza Delivery Man

For anyone interested this is an essay I wrote ages ago & have not finished.
I, of course, used to think it was pure genius and whoever has read it in the past agreed but as I wrote it a while ago and have not had the heart to finish it, I would like to know YOUR views on it and if it gets a good response, I might continue. Now, be honest with your critisisms, please.

(oh, and if anyone recognises themselves in it, bear in mind I did write it a while ago and at that time, you may not have been in my good books)

(oh again: the only way I cld copy the 'footnotes' was to number them with #, so please scroll down to bottom of each page at appropriate place to read relevant footnote) ENJOY

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 ** ‘I’m a cuckoo’ by Christina Gibson

(PAGE 1)
In January 2006 I met my future husband; three minutes later my dreams of matrimonial merriment melted away like last nights ‘Ben and Jerry’s’ left sitting on top of the kitchen radiator.

Christmas foregoing I had bought two tickets to see Belle and Sebastian (a Scottish indie band), one for the pretentious preacher I hastened to call my boyfriend and the other, for myself. As festivities faded into the following year I grew ever more excited as the gig drew near.

I love(d #1) Belle and Sebastian; though my fascination with one particular member of the band only began after a friend of mine died when, after much doubtless deliberation, I decided one inebriated, grief stricken evening that the lead singer of aforementioned band was the double, Doppëlganger even of my dearly departed friend, Twink. They even had the same forename: Stuart. Coincidence?

I feel that I should mention that although I had started to feel what one could only describe as unadulterated adulation for the foreman of my favourite band, these feelings in no way reflected the way I had felt about my now coffin-knocking companion.

I loved Twink like I love old Billy Connolly videos: you know what to expect yet the element of surprise persists in jokes long forgotten and behaviour amounting to nothing short of a welcome break from the norm (though both my friend and an old VHS video tape would be considered uncomfortable to sleep with).

(FOOTNOTES)
***#1. In recent months, namely the ones following the release of Belle and Sebastian’s latest offering ‘The Life Pursuit’, I have fallen out of love with the group as a whole. However, I have only just realised that it is entirely unfair and would be considered disloyal to cast aside my favourite band; never again to hear their joyous miserable tunes fall upon my welcome ear only to satisfy my distaste at their first hopefully last, sub-standard album.****************************
 **




(PAGE 2)
Twink, also known at times as ‘thee nonpareil nonconformist nudnick’, could always make me smile. He was the type of guy who after spending just 1800 seconds of your time with left you feeling completely head pecked: you never knew what not to believe. ‘Brainiac or Bulls hitter?’ always sprung to mind.

When I first met Twink he drank a lot of vodka, daily (#2) . In fact, it was my requirement for a cheap bottle of Russia’s finest that first brought us into contact. Accompanied by a friend I was escorted to the door of Twink’s bedsit. As the door to this humble abode swung open I was surprisingly fearless, having already consumed copious amounts of my sought after solace. I had also just turned sixteen.

On entering his room I was immediately dumbstruck. Although hearing many voices, through the plumes of passive smoke the only face I could make out was that of the Mona Lisa perched pride of place above a two-dimensional crackling coal fire. Stranger still, as the clouds cleared volcanoes appeared with what seemed like molten lava flowing effortlessly down into the drainpipe provided for it at the s