1. If using a touch tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person to stop doing that.

2. Make up a charge card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give them you address, exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask them if they have something outlandishly sinful.

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: Robust, Free spirited, cost efficient, Ukrainian, puce.

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica’s Master of Puppets CD.

13. Do not nane the toppings you want, rather, spell them out.

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say ‘crazy bread’.

15. Stutter on the letter ‘p’.

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else (like at a competitors pizza place).

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

18. Crack you knuckles into the receiver.

19. Say hello, act stunned for 5 seconds, then behave as if they called you.

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic, and become disorientated.

21. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

23. Change your accent every 3 seconds.

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation that you are about do dictate. Ask if they need to get a piece of paper.

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, “Bed Wetter’s Camp, right?”

26. Start your order with, “I’d like...” a little later, slap your self and say, “No, I don’t.”

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Ok, that’ll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window.

28. Rent a pizza.

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of ‘pepperoni’. Use the long ‘i’ sound.

32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.

33. Say, “Are you sure this is Pizza Place?” When they say yes, say, “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally prove that is is, start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”

34. Move the mouth piece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends jerk the mouth piece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the to of your lungs.

35. Tell them to double check to make sure your pizza is in fact dead.

36. Imitate the order taker’s voice.

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

38. When they say, “What would you like?” Say, “Huh? Oh you mean now.”

39. Play a sitar in the background.

40. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive home to surprise them.

41. Amuse the order taker with little known facts about country music.

42. Ask to see a menu.

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

44. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; the tell your dog it should be ashamed.

48. Order a slice, not the whole pizza.

49. Shout, “I’m through with men/women. Send me a dozen of your best Gaston!”

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, “Where was I? Who are you?”

51. Psychoanalyze