A subtle running gag in the series is that inside the bookshop there is a chalkboard, on which is usually written bizarre, contradictory, unintelligible or incomprehensible rules and instructions that, keeping with Bernard's general misanthropy, are generally rather grumpy in nature (such as in one week the instruction simply reading "DON'T"). The writing on the board is usually a near-illegible scrawl, to the point when even Bernard cannot decipher what he has written (as in "Manny's First Day", when Bernard attempts to explain the rules of the shop to Manny, but is stymied by his own handwriting). A list of what was written on the board in each episode follows.

Episode Text

S01E02 Rules of the shop
(Bernard himself can only estimate that it reads: "No mobiles, no walkmans... none of that, or any of the others")

S02E02 "No Smouldering" "88 degrees"

S02E04 Bernard and Manny's kill tallies of creatures in shop; later on, a drawing of coffee

S02E05 "No Prehensilizing"

S02E06 "No chatting, No smiling, ABSOLUTE SILENCE"

S03E01 "DON'T"

S03E02 "NO GIGGLING"

S03E03 "DON'T DO THAT"

S03E04 "NO ANECDOTAGE" Fran and Manny's sales in the shop

S03E06 "CAN'T"

Series 1 (2000)


Cooking the Books - After his accountant flees the police, Bernard is faced with the daunting prospect of doing his own taxes, and resorts to pairing his socks, getting drunk with Jehovah's Witnesses and trying to seriously injure himself since it will allow him to defer his tax return. Manny, an accountant, enters Black Books for the first time in order to buy the The Little Book of Calm on his way to work and, against all odds, manages to swallow it. Fran is bedevilled by a weird, unfathomable sphere that isn't actually 'a bald furby'. Naturally, chaos ensues. (Guest stars Martin Freeman as Manny's doctor and Rupert Vansittart as the tasteful customer.)

Manny's First Day - Bernard wakes up from a night on the booze to discover he's accidentally given Manny a job, and spends the day trying to get rid of him. Manny assists in this by proving to be a charming, sociable and extremely competent employee, apparently unaware that it's 'not that kind of operation'. An offering of wine from Manny and the threat of physical violence from Fran, however, persuades Bernard to keep Manny on board. (Guest stars David Cann as the roaring customer and co-writer Graham Linehan, as the "I Love Books" customer.)

The Grapes of Wrath - When the sheer filth of the bookshop becomes too much to handle, Manny calls a creepy cleaner and Bernard reluctantly agrees to house-sit a friend's house. Unfortunately, the two manage to drink a very expensive bottle of wine that was due to be presented to the Pope, and have to figure out a way of either replacing it before he gets home or think of a present better than a box of pencils to compensate for it. Fran, meanwhile, goes on a date with a very nice man which is, unfortunately, nothing short of disastrous. (Guest stars Kevin Eldon as the cleaner.)

The Blackout - On his birthday, Manny stays up all night watching The Sweeney and drinking espresso. Thinking he's a seventies cop, he manages to go from eyeing old men suspiciously in the bookshop to being trapped at the local police station helping a real detective put the 'good cop, bad cop' routine on a local villain. Bernard explains how going to a party eventually led to a broken arm while Fran describes the steps from seeing her boyfriend having dinner with another woman to being in hospital with a neck injury. (Guest stars Colin McFarlane as the detective.)

The Big Lock-Out - After being burgled, Black Books gets a new alarm and security door fitted but Manny fails to listen to the unlock code, distracted by a little Subbuteo player in the installer's hair ("there was a little man ... in his hair"). This quickly results in Manny being trapped alone inside with only a quickly-emptied bottle of Absinthe and dead bees for company and Bernard locked outside with just enough money for popcorn and a cinema ticket. Meanwhile, Fran has taken the phone off the hook to listen to silky-voiced Howell Granger read the shipping forecast on the radio, leaving Bernard to wander the streets of London penniless, cold and wet, with only an adult video shop and the allure of fast-food employment between him and freezing. (Guest stars Nick Frost as the alarm installer, Peter Serafinowicz as Howell Granger, writer Graham Linehan as a fast food customer and Tony Way as the fast food chain and cinema employee.)

He's Leaving Home - Bernard finally breaks the last straw (well, technically the last yo-yo string) with his constant bullying, and Manny decides to leave home, but doesn't even manage to let Bernard know about this without being attacked by a bee in a telephone box and finding himself on the streets. He is soon picked up by a photographer with a beard fetish and treated to a glamourous life of expensive clothes, silk sheets and crinkle-cut crisps in silver bowls, but such high living comes at a high price. (Guest starring Omid Djalili as Trebor the photographer. Also features David Walliams as a customer at the beginning of the episode

Mannyy: These r ur accounts?
Bernard: yea there might be the odd gap here and there
Manny: yea, there's a gap where there should be accounts, that's the gap i can see, the big account-free gap between page one and page 210
Bernard: Oh, well. it's accounts - who cares?

Customer: Look, there's no other way to say this, but I didn't come in here to be insulted.
Bernard: Well, I didn't ask for the job of insulting you. In another life, we could have been brothers. Running a small, quirky taveria in Sicily. Maybe we would have married the local twins instead of wasting each other's time here in this dump. But it was not to be. So hop it.

Bernard: [phone rings] Manny? Manny, phone. Manny.
[sigh]
Bernard: Oh, I'll get it, shall I?
[picks up]
Bernard: Hello?
Manny: [on phone] Bernard?
Bernard: Manny. Where are you? The phone's been ringing.

Bernard: I usually lock up
Manny: well now that i am here it's different.
Bernard: yes it's different. (bernard goes to lock the door with manny still inside)
Manny: W-wait! what are...?
Bernard: Wait?
Manny: why r u locking the door?
Bernard: i usually do.
Manny but now i am here it's different.
Bernard: yes it's different, I've never locked anyone in before.

Fran: Do you know nothing about modern culture, Bernard? Beckham, Posh, Pokemon...
Bernard: Pacman. It's pronounced Pacman.

Bernard: You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.

Manny: There's a girl.
Bernard: A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she?
Manny: Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.
Bernard: Oh, I see.
[Mockingly]
Bernard: Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?
Manny: Why are you getting so angry?
Bernard: I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like?
Manny: She's nice.
Bernard: She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?
Manny: I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.
Bernard: [Later] Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.

Bernard: [selling a book] Enjoy. It's dreadful, but quite short.

Customer: [brings back copy of Tempocalypse] I bought this for a friend, and they didn't want it, i was wondering if i could exchange it, preferably for the money
Bernard: [grabs the book and begins flicking through it rapidly then stops] Aha! sand!
[collects some onto his finger]
Bernard: Manny!
[sprinkles it into manny's mouth]
Manny: [tasting the sand] Sardinia... South... Porto Scuzo... The little beach by the monastery.
Bernard: [to customer] Get out!
[shoves his book back into his hands]
Customer: Damn!

[attempting to fill in his tax return form]
Bernard: "What is your mother's maiden name?" What's her first name? I just knew her as "Ma"! That'll have to do.
[writing on the form]
Bernard: 'Ma. Possibly deceased'.

Bernard: My oven can cook bits of oven!

Bernard: Manny... I think it's about time that u and I had a little chat about this whole one-day trial thing and how we think it went.
Manny: all right. I think it went very well.
Bernard: You… sold a lot of books
Manny: yea
Bernard: You got on very well with the customers
Manny: Thank you.
Bernard: I'm gonna have to let u go.
Manny: what? but i sold a lot of book! I got on with the customers!
Bernard: It's not that kind of operation