Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceede

The truth about shit 345 days ago

GHOST SHIT: The kind where you feel the shit come out, but there's no shit in the toilet.

CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.

SECOND WAVE SHIT: This happens when you're done shit-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.

POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY SHIT: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.

DRINKER'S SHIT: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.

CORN SHIT: Self explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-SHIT SHIT: The kind where you want to shit but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.

WET CHEEKS SHIT (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

THE DANGLING SHIT: This shit refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done shit-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.

THE SURPRISE SHIT: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a shit!

Things I hate about everybody...

1.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4.
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7.
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8.
When people say "life is short".
What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10.
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12.
People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...
It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser.

14.
When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.