'Please don't wank over my mum'
'Can't promise that I'm afraid'

'ill take care of the kid while you take care of the *holds into coffee table and air thrusts*..business ..yeah ..business'

'Are you going to wank over your mums bra, Will?'
'Um, no because she's my mum?'
'Can I have them then?'
'Eh, no. But you can have........one of these, (shows middle finger) and um....one of these! (shows other middle finger)'

"my lips round your bellend, you bumder"

"Yeh! She'll be frothing at the gash!"

"You still wet the bed when you 10!"
"Yeah, I wet your mum's bed -- with my spunk!"

"All locked up here in the visual wank-bank."

'Quick tip, the more fingers you get in the better...you need at least 3'

"Frieeend .. football frieeend.. frieeend"
(in high pitched voice with two thumbs up)

SPECIAL FWEEEEND, FOOTBAWL FWEND...FWENDS FOWEVER
(in high pitched voice with two thumbs up)

Jay: "What? I'm telling you, all the birds I've shagged love that!"
Simon: "So, no birds love that, then".
Jay: "Well, your mum loved it".
Simon: "Brilliant".

"Clean it UP!"
"It's your car"
"IT'S YOUR SPUNK!!!"

Simon: "what should i text back?" (about a girl he's interested in)
Jay: "spread them, i'll be there in 30 minutes"
Will: "Or, it was lovely to hear from you, i look forward to meeting up with you"
Jay: "PS. i'm a pufter"

"Shes not coming."
Jay: "I'll make her come... all over my face!"

"Somehow I went from being guaranteed sex to being bullied by eight year olds".

“Your mum is so fit she could be a prostitute­”

Charlotte: You have had sex before haven't you?
Will: Yes, yeh, loads. I've done it with 2 different girls.
C: I've had 11 lovers already.
W: 5 girls actually. Sorry, it was 5 not 2.
C: Alright stud. Who are they then?
W: Well, there's the girl i met in Australia.
C: Australia?
W: Yep, i went there on holiday.
C: When was that?
W: 2005
C: So you were 13?
W: I was very mature for my age.
C: Oh, older woman then was she?
W: No, she was a couple of years younger actually.
C: So she was 11?
W: Christ no!.. I mean.. yes i suppose she must have been.... jesus, 11..

will: "ohh piss off.....!!"
neils dad: dont talk to me like that, where are your manners?!
will: oh im sorry...my manners...PISS OFF....please?!
neils dad: how dare you, you wanna watch your lip
will: oh you'd love my lip wouldn't you, around your bellend, that is if chippy here doesnt get there first...what's he gonna knock up for you? a closet for you to hide in you big BUMDER!


simon: no offence Neil, but your house stinks
neil: no it doesnt
jay: yeah it does, its got that poor smell

simon (to neil about his new job): i suppose your dad needs the money
neil: no, he doesn't
simon: rent boys don't come cheap y'know
neil: my dads not gay
jay: whys he paying for rent boys then?
neil: he's not paying for them
simon: what, they're freebies?!

SPECIAL FWEEEEND, FOOTBAWL FWEND...FWENDS FOWEVER

'It's your spunk!'
'It could be some of her juice.'

"My mistake he is a

Will: This is not just a car. This is freedom, this is adventure this is..oh my god is that a tape deck?

Will: I'm just going to the toilet.
Jay: What for a wank?... You wanker..

Will - " And I get to ride . . ."
Jay - " . . . a mans cock in the bushes"
Will - " No, the nemisis inferno"

Jay - "That one has fucked everone, i've slung one up her a few times myself"
Will - "And who exactly is everone Jay, that old man over there, has he had a go on her?"

Neil - "Ahhhh, tune" (does the robot)

Jays dad - "ahh plenty more fish in the sea Will" ... "Jays harpooned himself a whale"

you can sit here fingering neil's arse if you want but i'm off to find the clunge

you lost the muffwaggon

to be honest the first day nerves had got to me and i went to take one of the more evenful shits of my life

Mr Cartwright: "Try not to rape anyone on the way out, Simon"

Simon: "I don't think Neil's dad