Cartman: I've been keeping this place free of hippies since I was five and a half.

Satan: Saddaam! You're back. I thought I killed you!
Saddaam: Yeah, well where was I gonna go, Detroit?

Cartman: Damn, shit, respect my fuckin' authority!
Sadaam Hussein: Ahhh!
Cartman: Yes (zaps him)!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat!
Cartman: Dog shit Taco (Zaps him again)!
Sadaam Hussein: Quick Satan, do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size. Blood-drenched, frozen tampon popsicle!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey buddy, I know I was mean before, but don't worry, I can change!
Cartman: Okay.
Not. Fuck, shit, cock, ass, dildo, boner, bitch, pussy, butthole, Barbara Streisand!

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass.
Token: I'm really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Officer Barbrady: You can't just lock 63 people in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!

Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Chef: Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?

Thumper: Hey, little dude! You've got some crap right here.
Butters: That's my face, sir!

Mr. Garrison: Let's start the day with a few new math problems -- what is five times two? Yes. Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try and get an answer from somebody who is not a complete retard.

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, 'God damn, that's a big, fat ass.'
Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass.

Mr. Garrison: No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people.

Cartman: Drugs are bad because if you do drugs you're a hippie and hippies suck.

John Edwards: But, I'm a psychic.
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edwards: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.

Darren: "To save your life a shot in the mouth or a shot in the ass?"
Jamie: "Why dont you just shoot him"

Darren: "Shit i just remembered ive got the cream"

Paddy: "Coreys on his period 28 days in a month........well in february anyway"

Bleeks: "You think youre the king of the jungle or somthin"
Paddy: "Bleeks the king of the jungles got nothin on me, cos ive got a hat, sunglasses and 2 free condoms"

*after seein corey eatin a tin of fruit*
Paddy: "i see old habits die hard"
Corey: "Im eatin a tin of fruit you got a problem with that?"
Paddy: "Tut tut tut"
Corey: "you got somethin 2 say?"

Splinter: "i wouldn't mind staying here but i would rather go out and stick my cock up some blade!"

Cathal: "id take it in the ass'

Cathal: "get away or i'll spray you"

Cathal: "the bitch didnt finish me off"

Cathal: "id do you ya bearded lady"

Cathal: "Today a man tried to sell me nipple clamps"

Cathal: "she smells of cheese. nice smelling cheese"

Cathal: "now its all sticky"

Cathal: "imagine you were walkin along and a willy hit you in the face"

Cathal: "its tuesday every day of the week accordin to darrens socks"

Cathal: "who could have imagined you could have so much fun lying in your own filth"

For all of you that get sick of receiving all the cute,
sappy friendship stuff...read on!

Dear Fucker,
You are my fucking friend,
And I hope you know that's fucking true.
No matter what the fuck happens,
I will stand the fuck by you.
I will fucking be there for you,
Whenever the fuck you need me.
To lend you a fuckin hand,
To do a fuckin good deed.
So just fuckin call on me,
Whenever the fuck you need anything.
Fuck... I will always be there,
Even to the bitter fuckin end.