The Line up:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Willy
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.

Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.

Heavy Bosom is being pressured.

Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big
Willy is in a dangerous spot

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Willy
is pushing in.

Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean
Sheets.

Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on
Bare Belly.

Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from BigWilly.

AT THE STRETCH:

Merry Cherry pops under the strain.

Bare Belly is making a final push.

Big Willy is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:

It's Big Willy giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Willy has to offer.

It looks like a dead heat but Big Willy comes through with one final thrust
and wins by a head...
Bare Belly slows,
Thighs weakens,

Heavy Bosom pulls up,

and Clean Sheets never had a chance

Dear Alcohol
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel
that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends /girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you
went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing
me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order,
but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire
day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin
B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down
on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3pm(pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.



Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Hitler while he was invading Great Britain

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the heads of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called The Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.


Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the