Did you hear about the woman who got hit by a car??
Police are investigating, what she was doing out of the kitchen.

Why do women have orgasms?
It gives them something else to moan about.



How do you get a fat lass into bed?
Piece of cake.



Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck on my cock.



How do you make a hormone?
Run off without paying her.



How do you make a hormone?
Kick her in the fanny.



Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they smell.



Why do women have periods?
Because they fucking deserve them.



Why were shopping trolleys invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.



What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.



Why do women have small feet?
So they can be closer to the kitchen sink.



What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it!



Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the stove.



Men have their faults. But women have only two. Everything they say.
And
everything they do.



What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they remove half the brain.



What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.



Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to
want to
shoot it.



This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years
ago
that I lost my dear wife. I will never forget that game of cards...



Do you know what the punishment is for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.



Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a
little
tenderness, and a little sympathy?
It means you're in the wrong house.



One day on the golf course a foursome was ready to tee off when a
funeral
procession was seen approaching. One member of the foursome took his
hat off
and bowed his head as the cars and hearse drove by. Another of the
golfers
said to him, "Well, that was very nice and respectful of you to do
that."
"Well," he replied, "I was married to her for twenty years."



What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.



What does a woman make best for dinner?
Reservations.



A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack your
things! I've just won the lottery!" Martha replies, "Shall I pack for
warm
weather or cold?" The man responds, "I don't care. Just pack your stuff
and
fuck off!"



Husband: Put your coat on love, I'm going to the pub.
Wife: Are you taking me out for a drink?
Husband: Don't be silly woman, I'm turning the heating off.



What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Telawoman!



What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.



The wife found her husband sitting on the back porch crying. "What's
wrong?"
she asked. "Do you remember when we were dating and your father told me
that
if I didn't marry you, he would send me to prison for 20 years?" he
said.
"Yes", she responded "So what". "I would have gotten out of prison
today",
he sobbed.



How can you tell if a woman is happy?
Who cares?



Why do women like intelligent men?
Opposites attract.



What do you call an intelligent woman in America?
A tourist.



What do you call a woman who has lost her mind?
A widow.



A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.



Don't be sexist. Birds hate that!



Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman.



A businessman, an intelligent woman, and the Easter Bunny get into an
elevator. There is a £10 note lying on the groud. Who picks it up?
The businessman; the other two don't exist.



What's worse than a Male Chauvin

Ode to a Nightingale


My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness --
That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.



O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool'd a long age in the deep-delvèd earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm south,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stainèd mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim -



Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.





Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards.
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.



I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmèd darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover'd up in leaves;
And mid-May's eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.



Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call'd him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain --
To thy high requiem become a sod.



Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.



Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam'd to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music -- Do I wake or sleep?