There are approximately two billion children persons under 1 in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly
crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Merry Fucking Christmas

Chapter 1: From the Ashes

…*thump* … *thump* …*thump*
It’s dark, cold and damp, there is movement, frantic movements, there is heavy breathing, there are loud noises, banging on wood, the sound of wood cracking. There is a struggle of escape, swimming through soil, 30 seconds it’s been, now a minute, nothing…..still nothing…. A hand punches out of the ground, grasping on to the surface, trying to pull through and there is a person gasping for air. The moonlight shines down on the body, it’s a man, and he struggles to stand while searching for something to lean on. His body grey and thin, with really tattered clothes. He takes his first steps in over a year. He opens his eyes, to find himself in a graveyard. He cracks his neck and slowly moves out through the gates. He stops and feels something in his pocket, a piece of paper with a word saying “libero” he does understand what it means or why it is in his pocket. He puts his hand across his body, feeling the wounds in his flesh. He does not remember what had happened to him. He continues walking, face hidden by the shadows. The man approaches a sign *flashbacks of blue and black lights, explosions and falling* he snaps out of it, he is on his knees, sweating, trying to get his breath back, he looks back up at the sign, “welcome to Lisburn”.

Chapter 2: Warzone

Almost 2 years since the Destruction of Bow street mall and the battle that took place upon it. The day the master died was not the day when good overcame evil for the last time. A small group of followers kept the masters evil ways alive, this group had new members joining every day. The master now had an army of followers, who where very evil indeed, slaughtering every living being who got in there way. However, there was a force who fought back, they followed the man who stood in the masters way those few years ago. Niall, the leader of Good, Highly trained and Hand-to-hand combat and had great skill with a gun. Every day ground was won and lost, constant battles where going on around the city. Night was the hardest time to fight, as many reapers roamed the city streets. Reapers where near impossible to kill. Very few people had a reaper sword, the only weapon that could actually kill a reaper, and even if one did posses this weapon, it could have dramatic effects. Reapers are evil creatures that go about mainly at night, killing humans. There was only one man that could summon his own army and fight against evil, but he died along with the master after falling from the roof of the mall. To make things more difficult for the good guys, there was another army, they fought against both Good and Evil, this army was controlled by Craig. Craig was a very evil lady, who wanted to end both Niall and The masters Army for good and have its own superior/genetically modified race. There was one other out for revenge for who ever destroyed the stock room of Dunnes Stores, his name…was Jim Buckley!

Chapter 3: Turf War

It was morning, and Niall and his men all relieved to have made it though the night. His men where tired but had to remain cautious of other threats. He has been told that the Masters army has reached the gates of his sector in the city. Niall gets his men together and tells them the plan and then tells them to get into position as he goes to his vantage point with his sniper rifle, which is extremely powerful and not many live after getting shot by this gun. The first attack begins and Nialls men easily ward them off. There must be a good 100 of the masters followers out there fighting there way in. “is this all you guys have got? I expected much more” Niall says to himself. But as he does, several small explosions go off and the Masters’ followers start flowing in, taking out 3-4 guys at a time. Niall is finding it difficult to take so many of them down at a time and decides to lob a grenade into the group of followers at which they all run to find cover. The grenade

Batman (Cool):
Batman doesn't even need superpowers 2 kick badguys asses he just did alot of push ups n now he can beat anyone
Batman has a Cape
Batman has the Batmobile
Batman has a the Batcave
Batman has style n coolness while standin' at the top of a buildin with his cape blowin' in the wind
Batman has the Utility Belt
If something happens to Batman he doesn't bitch about it n go depressed, he goes out n hurts the badguy more for hurting him
Batman protects people
Batman had to fight Arnold Schwarzenegger... and Won
Batman gets chicks
Batman has a protégé (Robin)

Spiderman (Gay):
Spiderman was a nerd 'til he got superpowers
Spiderman Doesn't have a cape
Spiderman Doesn't have a cool car
Spiderman lives with his 60 year old aunt
Spiderman sits at the top of a buildin' like a creepy pervert
If Spiderman gets depressed he loses his mojo n becomes a weak little nerd again
Spiderman fought Willem Defoe
Spiderman caused his Uncles Death, Killed his best friends Dad then Stole His best friends Girlfriend
Spiderman stalked the Ginger chick next door... before stealing here from his friend
Spiderman runs around in laytex, a gimp mask n squirts a white sticky liquid on men... Definatly Gay