Episode 01 - Drive

Shauna: Nice of you to show Ari.
Ari: Nice of you to lose the baby weight. What do you have like nine kids now?
Shauna: Three asshole.
Ari: Really, did you figure out who the fathers are?
Shauna: Don’t take it out on me you don’t have an excuse for those extra pounds…
Ari: Eh, I’m still at 6% body fat, OK?
Shauna: Yeah, and still 94% full of shit.

Episode 02 - Amongst Friends

Andrew: I have a proposition for you.
Ari: A wife swap tonight, how’s the misses looking these days?
Andrew: Not bad, but I’m talking about Lizzy Grant..
Ari: The junior agent with the great ass. Is she offering it up?

Episode 03 - One Car Two Car Red Car Blue Car

Ari: What I’m capable of doing and what you’re capable of doing are two totally different things.
E: So what would you do?
Ari: I would make a scene of biblical proportions. I would lie, scream, beg, borrow and steal. If that somehow didn’t part Amy Miller’s legs then I would call racism and I would yell for all to hear: “you’re really gonna fire my poor black client off the show he CREATED? I’m callin the NAACP, the Reverend Al Sharpton, and the ghost of my man - MALCOM X!”
E: Awesome. Guess I’m gonna try my own thing.

Episode 04 - Running on E

Ari (to Andrew): You put me in a really bad spot. I lied to my wife. 15 years I’ve been faithful. I don’t want the stress of an affair without the fun of the pussy.

Messenger: [Leonidas has kissed the Persian's messenger on the mouth] What the hell was that?
Leonidas: What?
Messenger: You just kissed me!
Leonidas: That is how men great each other in Sparta: high-fives for the women
[high-fives Margo]
Leonidas: and open-mouthed tongue kisses for the men!

Leonidas: [picks up subway sandwich] No mayo? This is bullshit!

Urban Girl: Yo mama's so fat, her pant size is, um, um, um... Bitch, lose some weight!

Traitoro: Stop kicking people into the pit of death! Really!

Queen Margo: How do you like me now, Sandman!

Leonidas: I'm assembling an army to go to war with Persia. I'm going to take them in the rear... and then I'm gonna reach around, and I'm gonna take them again from the front!

Captain: I'm gonna go Hercules on your ass!

Paris Hilton: I'm a Hilton, I don't bow... but I do bend over.

Xerxes: I tell you kid, you got balls. I come over here with a big army, we're goin' to shish kebab your ass.

Leonidas: We may have won the battle, But they will win the war!
Other 12 Spartans: Aaah... What?

Leonidas: Adjust your sword boy, it's digging into my back.
Sonio: But I'm not wearing my sword.

Leonidas: [pause] Carry on then.

Sanjaya Malakar: [as he is falling into the Pit of Death] I'm not gaaaay!

Leonidas: The Oracle also said our painted on abs look fake!

Rambo: When you're pushed, killing's as easy as... dancing.
[starts dancing]

Leonidas: As long as Xerxes doesn't find the secret path to the Hot Gates... their vast
numbers won't count for shit!

Leonidas: Yes, well, that may be the case, but your mama's so hairy, the only language she speaks is Wookie!

Queen Margo: Come back with your shield or on it.
Leonidas: If I come back on it, I want you to move on.
Queen Margo: I would never do such thing!
Leonidas: Well, hell, if you died, I'd play the field! To be honest, I always wanted to do a fat chick.

Rules of Beer Pong

Generally played in pairs of two, with the teams standing at opposing ends of a flat, rectangular surface (preferably a ping pong table, but anything accepted by both teams can be used). Six or ten cups are formed in a pyramid at either end of the table, with the base of the pyramid centered at the edge of the table. The players attempt to toss or bounce ping pong balls into the cups, each of which is filled with 1/3 of a beer (or other intoxicating spirit). When a player makes a shot into a cup of the opposing team, a player from the opposing team drinks the contents of the cup and removes it from the table. The game continues in this way, with both players from one team taking a shot, followed by both players from the other team. The team that is able to clear all of the opposing team’s cups first is the winner, with the losing team splitting the contents of the winning team’s remaining cups. To begin, a player from each team takes a shot simultaneously without looking at the cups. This is repeated until one team makes, and one team misses. This decides who gets the first possestion. After the first game, the winning team gets the first shot. The elbow rule is also applied for EVERY shot. A players elbow may not cross the plane of the playing table or it does not count.