It's weird sometimes how things change. How much people you thought you knew even if only for a little while can surprise you and hurt you. You still care about them, but things are never right, and they're never the same. At the same time, and in all of that people you didn't know you wanted to know become so intrinsically tied to your life, that you don't know what you would do without them. I guess its all according to what you leave yourself open to.

And then there's old friends. i recently had a major dose of you really can't go home again, and yet some of those old friends, no matter how many years you are apart, no matter how much distance is between you still have such a close cherished place and touch you so deeply.

Just a couple of random thoughts i thought I would put out, get them out of the stuff that's in my head... Cherish your friends, including the ones you don't know how long they're there for... Learn which ones are in for the long haul. My sermon of the day.

Thanks everyone who wished me well either verbally, or in comments or what have you. I appreciate the wellwishes. Things are so much better now. I still wonder the same questions but at least I can put them off a little longer. The latest storm is abated, time to rebuild. I couldn't have done it without my rock though.

I have done it again, made the worst possible decision, pursued the worst possible path for my heart, my mental state... I should have known it was a mistake from the beginning, and as much as it hurts. What I need to do is to learn to harden my heart. That to me would be a more complete solution. After all if I couldn't feel anything then no one could touch me. All the bullshit with my family would go away, and this situation wouldn't matter any more. Luckily, I've had someone to help me. I don't know what I would have done without him...
I just don't know what I can do with this situation any more. I have been made to feel like the asshole, and the selfish, jealous bitch. I admit some fault... but why can't he back down the littlest bit? Why can't he see my side in this at all? Why can't I just let it go?