The best things about being irish!

>Only in Ireland... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance

>Only in Ireland... do banks leave both doors open but chain the pens to the counters

>142 Irish were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts

>58 Irish are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers

>13 Irish have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in

>Irish Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents

>101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet

>18 Irish had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth

>A massive 543 Irish were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth

>5 Irish were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars

>AND finally......... In 2000, 8 Irish cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet

Is aoibhinn liom an tir seo!!
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How to be an ideal man




1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greatest prese

Savage Sayins
Savage Sayins

She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
>
>You're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
>My mouth's as dry as a nun's crack
>He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
>He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
>
>As funny as a burning orphanage
>
>He's so camp, he sh1ts tent pegs
>
>I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
>
>I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)
>
>(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
>She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
>
>As busy as the dalkey dole office
>
>Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
>
>As tight as a nun's knickers
>
>I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
>
>I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
>the
>van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.
>
>Up and down like a hoor's knickers
>
>No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
>
>Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
>
>What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt?
>
>I left her with a face like a painters radio
>
>A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
>
>Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
>
>As fit as a butcher's dog
>
>She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
>
>Not even the tide would take her out
>
>Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her
>
>Daz wouldn't shift her
>
>Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
>
>A sniper wouldn't take her out
>
>Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
>
>If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
>
>She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a
>
>nettle
>
>She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
>
>She had a f@nny like a badly packed kebab
>
>If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall