Chuck Norris rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.



When Chuck Norris was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.



Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Chuck Norris".



If you wake up in the morning, it's because Chuck Norris spared your
life.





Chuck Norris won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance
Armstrong it wasn't a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are gay.





Every day is the longest day of Chuck Norris's life. For terrorists, the
shortest.





What color is Chuck Norris's blood? Trick question. Chuck Norris does
not bleed.



Chuck Norris once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next
half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.





When Chuck stares into the sun, the sun flintches.



If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken,
but Chuck Norris says its beef. Then it's beef.



Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now
is because Chuck Norris does not feel like carrying you.



James Bond has a license to kill. Chuck Norris don't need any licenses.



Chuck Norris' calender goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no
one fools Chuck Norris.





Chuck Norris once double teamed a girl.. by himself.



1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Chuck Norris. Sounds like a fair
fight.



Chuck Norris was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Chuck
Norris.



When the kids born in the twenty first century grow up they will not
have heroes, but rather Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is the only hero.



Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.



When life gave Chuck Norris lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.

Chuck Norris hates lemonade.



Chuck Norris doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was
shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.



Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.



You can lead a horse to water. Chuck Norris can make him drink.



Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him
blink.



Chuck Norris once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5
CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who
downloaded the movie Dodgeball.



When Chuck Norris masturbates, all women within 3 miles have orgasms.



When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.



Simon Says should be renamed to Chuck Norris Says because if Chuck
Norris says something then you better do it.



Killing Chuck Norris doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.



Chuck Norris would vote for Hillary Clinton to be president just so he
could assassinate her.



Chuck Norris does the Sunday New York Times Crossword Puzzle in ink.



When Google can't find something, it asks Chuck Norris for help.



In 96 hours, Chuck Norris has killed 93 people and saved the world 4
times.

What have you done with your life?



There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Chuck Norris way. It's
basically the right way but faster and more deaths.



Why did the terorrist cross the street? To get hit by a car before Chuck
Norris could get him.





When Chuck Norris watches a pot, it boils immediately.



Chuck Norris once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball
point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."





In kindergarten, Chuck Norris killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.



It would only take 1 bullet for Chuck Norris to kill 50 Cent.



Chuck Norris has been to Mars. Thats why theres no life on Mars.



When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck
Norris.



Chuck Norris can assemble the entire contents of an IKEA store without
instructions or an alan key.



Scissors are scared to run with Chuck Norri