* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks
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Ballycastle
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Ballycastle is a small town on the north coast of "northern ireland", also referred to as "the occupied 6 counties", or "the black north".

Most famous for its dulse and yella' man, and the annual llamas fair (gypo festival), the town is inhabited by a nice mix of catholics, protestants, druggies and underage drinkers. Historically the town is known to be a friendly, mixed religion community, however, in the months of june, july and august the town is infested with crime, social dissobediance and sectarianism, ----> cos lets face it, thats what belfasties do when they "holiday" (take over) a small sea side town.




Contents
1 Holiday Season
2 Local Sports
3 Pub Culture
4 People to watch out for
5 14 Year Olds


[edit] Holiday Season
During these dark days, locals fled to the safe suburbs of carey and ballintoy, local mining villages known for their thriving economies and good guiness, to avoid the plague of the belfasties, who swoop in and eat all the food from the golden chip and flash in the pan, condemning the locals to eat from the kebab king. This is a clever ploy by the belfasties, because once all the locals are stricken by food poisoning, or bird flu or whatever, the takeover really begins. Horrifically, they begin by dressing up in their usual holiday attire - for the men; track suits and baseball caps, and for the women; track suits and HUGE hooped earings, and dont forget the pram with little baby shiniqua infront. Then they set about walking the streets with their arsenal of blue bags and wkd, picking fights, breaking windows and looking for fresh walls to re-decorate. A lovely bunch.


To add to the problems in poor old Ballycastle we have the 'swingers' of the town. These usually consist of so called 'pillars of society' who are too busy shagging in the Antrim Arms to actually do something for the town. The counsellors spend most of their time wiping the s*** of eachothers chin to see the real problems in the town. We often blame the city folk for the problems in Ballycastle but this is only a form of transference in which the top dogs or the 'upper class' are really responsible.

Also we have the many backstabbing females in the town or are often found leaching on to any married man in trousers, most of the women are also married too. The younger generation aren't much better, as the saying goes "the apple never falls far from the tree". They feed off the misery of others and enjoy spreading malicious gossip so their days are that much more bearable. Perhaps some therapy would do the people of Ballycastle the world of good and maybe they will actually stop living in their wee bubble and actually stop talking about other people and do something more constructive with their time.

So please come visit Ballycastle, it really is a shit hole!

[edit] Local Sports
Ballycastle is also known for its truely brilliant McQuillans GAC hurling and football club. Unsurprisingly hailed as "the best team in the world" by Timmy Mooney, age 2, the black and amber boys are easily one of the best teams in antrim, competing at the highest level and beating Loughgiel and Dunloy all the time. With their unique selection policy, "your not in the team if your not a Donnelly/McShane/McGarry..etc.. " nothing can stop their ascention to the pinaccle of irish hurling. Contrary to other reports. The camogie team, (the girls) are also brilliant. The Gaelic Footballers, Brilliant. Is this the truth? Well the girls are good, the men can barely beat Carey (by far the better team) and the gaelic team isnt bad, shocker.




[edit] Pub Culture
There are many pubs in Ballycastle, all with different owners and clientelle.

The Glenshesk - Owned by Ciaran "Super" McIroy, most noted for its awesome beer garden and scariness of some of the staff, dont start a fight, youll be killed. (GUINESS RATING) - 8 The Har

Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.

1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
got your hand or head stuck in something.

2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.