I will try my best to stick to this list


1. when she asks how she looks shrug and say "could be better" this will keep her on her toes. and girls love that.

2. never hold her hand. this can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. (or if she grabs your hand squeeze hers really really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.)

3. once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. girls are like dogs. they love to be roughed up.

4. call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. if she is say you better be , repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. this will show her you care.

5. when she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault. this will pave the way for her own personal improvement. and every girl needs some improvement.

6. recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most. then when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them. because jewelry is for pussies and asian ladies.

7. if youre talking to another girl, make sure shes looking. When she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words @#%$ you and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. tell her you're taking her out to dinner. drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special. then take her to a burning tire yard. when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. then drive her home. when she starts crying and asks why you would do something like that lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "...because i can."

9. introduce her to your friends as "some chick". women love those special nicknames.

10. play with her hair. play with it HARD.

11. warm her up when shes cold...and not by giving her your jacket... then you might get cold. rather, look her in the eye and say "if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now you're going to be bitching about a black eye." the best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the partys dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you at the party.

13. make her laugh. a good way to do this is if she has a small pet. kick the pet. i always find stuff like that funny. why shouldn't girls?

14. let her fall asleep in your arms. when she's fast asleep, wait 10 minutes then JUMP UP AND SCREAM IN HER EAR! repeat until she goes home and you can use your arms for more important things. like basketball.

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. if you care about her never ever tell her. this will only give her self confidence. then you can never turn her into the object she deep down desires to be.

17. Every time youre in her house steal one of the following: shoes, earrings, or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This way shell go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when shes about to order interrupt and say no shes not hungry. make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy that speaks for her.

19. look her in the eyes and smile. then clock her one. girls love a spontaneous guy.

20. give her one of your t-shirts......and make sure it has your smell on it. but not a sexy cologne smell. a bad smell. you know what i'm talking about.

21. When its raining keep asking her if shes crying. Shell say no its just the rain ten minutes later turn to her and just scream at her to stop crying you @#%$ baby. Girls like a tough man as i've already stated.

22. Titty twisters and plenty of them.

23. if youre listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her no. this way she'll think you're mysterious.

24. remember her birthday but don't get her something. Teach her material objects arent important. The only thing thats important is that she keeps you happy. And your happiness is the greate

Kaliphrap - Quaint vulgarisation of any word which in its present habitat does not befit the utilisiers intentions with reference to displication of raw or endangerifying, i.e. strong, language.

Mustainial - Taking full control of a band and its members in a very angry manner.

Opethethic - Anything that is Opeth in nature, or displays signs of Opethy (see brilliance).

Sensical - Harbringer of logic and pertaining of the sense persausion.

Shenanigad - Anything which in true nature, or pseudo-nature, complies with or epitomises the vernacular conventions or colloquialisms of contextual unexpectancy.

Heres just some funny/stupid quotes, they'll be updated accordingly

"Lets go home and fuck with the hole!" - Dennis on things of great importance.

"Did I do anything bad that night?..... ohh wait, that was the night with the cocaine..." - Neil on why the rest of the world can't possibly understand him.

"But you'd just be getting fat for the wrong reasons!" - Liath on lord only knows what!

"Its a few raisins short of muesli" - Matt on uncooked porridge.

"Bugger-befucked if I'm gona walk around with Jack in my pocket!" - Matt on metronomes.

"Awww, your getting some for this, don't worry" - Liath, after a little stretching of the truth heh heh.

"You don't even deserve eyebrows" - Liath on why shes a bitch.

"Its like a lagging jacket for your head" - Dennis on his amazing slick hat.

"I gotta stop acting like Liam Gallagher before I go out, like its grand picking on school kids like but...." - Darren leavinmg dunnes stores c 3:30

"Thats right I played the midget card!" - Liath, cos everyone know midget beats bogger hands down!

"I was never very fond of your ballsack" - Matt on saving the world.

"Your pissing, ohh great!" - Liath on sex.

"Theres better things to do with your spare time than the hoover" - Gav on life.

"How many times have you lodged that in my arse today!" - Liath on hubba hubba wink wink awooga rawrrr.

"A man who is willing to chop off his own feet to look like a woman is willing to kill EVERYTHING" - Matt, on my idea of impersonating women!

"You have to shove it up there" - Liath on da business

"My testicles are in your ass!" - Matt, me and him sleeping together before the gig.

"Haven't talk to the wife in ages, haven't seen him in three weeks" - Bernie, best gay man ever!

"Nice hat there luv" - Adam
"Nice breasts!" - Donal

"Everyone hates you, especially your Ma!" - Random guy in tent.

"62 cans and a box of tissues is all I need for my sexual issues" - Random guy on bus on life.

"You can't... fuck... JESUS!" - Donal on Jacks coffee.

"We need to do at least some practice for this rock fest thing, winging it is fun and all but this ain't the leaving cert..... this is important" - Jack

"Its great how nothing tastes like anything when your drunk" - Brady.

"Rain makes Meabh wet!" - Meabh.

"BOOOOOOBS" - Collie, Romy's 4 year old brother.

"I'm so great I piss glitter" - Steve-oh on his CV.

"You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." - Albert Einstein when asked to describe the radio.

"Theres something surprisingly arousing about a woman that can kick the shit out of you" - The conclusion of a conversation between Armie and me.

"You know its a good night when the guards are called" - Mickey, on the last night in college.

"I do like porn!" - Liath

"Darren put down the fucking knife!!!" - Me, Mickey insisted to put this up.

"Thats just not nice, shitting on things, like honestly" - Liath on my idea of fun.

"I don't think a badger would fit in my pants" - Meabh

"Steven Matt called for you when you were away" - Tiarnan
"Ok thanks" - Me
"........... Steven, are you just friends with Matt or are you really good friends?" - Tiarnan
"hahaha...... Tiarnan me and Matt are gay" - Me
"....... does that mean your cheating on Liath?" - Tiarnan

"I love you too Steve, and I'm not even messing anymore!!!" - Liath

"Awww man she was all over me! She was SOOOO over me! She was over me and onto you!!!" - Matt on Karen.

"Ohh god his tongue is all black and hairy!" - Frazer
"Eh Sarah, thats his beard" - Clerkin

"Neil do you know what an erection is?" - Neil's Dad having "the talk".
"Of course, thats when Jesus came back from the dead" - Neil.

"So you coming down to my ho