"I have an erection. That's a good sign. I'm ready to go to trial. Lock and load."

"How can you ban red meat? We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians."

"You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife."

"It's a good feeling, you know, to shoot a bad guy. Something you Democrats would never understand. Americans... we're homesteaders, we want a safe home, keep the money we make, and shoot bad guys."

"You're one of those environmental lawyers? You're evildoers. Yesterday it's a tree, today it's a salmon, tomorrow it's, "Let's not dig up Alaska for oil because it's too pretty." Let me tell you something, I came out here to enjoy nature, don't talk to me about the environment"

"Watch it, judge, we're a superpower. Don't make us add you to the axis."

"Now, Alan, if all else fails and you think you've lost... pretend you've won! Works for our president. "

"dennycranelaw.com. Pictures, bios, hobbies. I once captained my own spaceship. Muli-talented"

"You hear the one about the fella who died, went to the pearly gates? St. Peter lets him in. Sees a guy in a suit making a closing argument. Says 'Who's that?' St. Peter says, 'Oh, that's God. Thinks he's Denny Crane."

"Bev is the woman I've always dreamed of. An angel in the bedroom and a whore in the kitchen."

"I'm not worried, Lori. Do I look worried? Yeah. Look out there. My domain. My city. I'm Denny Crane."

"What do you mean? Did something happen? Was I in the room when it happened?"

"Here's what you need to know about the practice of law, son. It all comes down to money. I've got it. He doesn't. I'll win. Denny Crane."

"There are two things I hoped to experience in my lifetime that I was sure I never would. The first was the Red Sox winning the World Series. Then when that happened, I thought 'By God, I should experience the other.' The other was sex with a one-legged woman."