If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
it's your stupidity.


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I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.


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Practice makes perfect.
But nobody's perfect
so why practice?


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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?


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Since light travels faster than sound,
people appear bright until you hear them speak.


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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?


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Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.


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One should love animals.
They are so tasty.


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Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.


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Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.


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The wise never marry.
and when they marry they become otherwise.


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Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.


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Never put off the work till tomorrow
what you can put off today.


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"Your future depends on your dreams"
So go to sleep.


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There should be a better way to start a day
Than waking up every morning.


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"Hard work never killed anybody"
But why take the risk.


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"Work fascinates me"
I can look at it for hours.


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God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.


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The more you learn, the more you know,
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So... why learn.


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A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
what more can I say.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is idiot, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dick nose, I paid £9.00 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya knob-sock?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you fucking pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What? Are they going to fucking do something that's longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a gripe sheet which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, the airline these came from is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Engineers: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Engineers: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in cockpit.
Engineers: Something tightened in cockpit.

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Engineers: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
Engineers: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Engineers: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Engineers: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Engineers: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Engineers: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Engineers: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Engineers: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Engineers: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Engineers: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in cockpit.
Engineers: Cat installed.

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Engineers: Took hammer away from midget