QUOTES:

I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies.

I got my pecs, I got limos, I got bitches. My limo's powered by bitch juice, and my spare pecs are in the limo. ~ Describing rap music

I'm gonna fuck you up. I'm gonna dig up your dad, and shove him up your mum. I'm gonna drink your blood. ~ Describing rap music

And it went, erm, "Funk soul brother... right about now... yeah... it's the, it's the funk soul brother... check it out. It's, er, well... it's the funk soul brother, essentially. He's coming. He's coming at you. It's the, well... it's the funk soul brother." And after a while, I began to penetrate the meaning of this song. I gathered that somebody was about to arrive, and everybody else was terribly excited. Maybe he was bringing cake or something. But the thing was, you see, he wasn't there yet. Haha, that was the hook. I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know? I just think that you could dip a broom in brake fluid, shove the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline, in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. ~ On The Rockafeller Skank by Fatboy Slim

The thing is, what else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? "Yoghurt, anyone? I made some yoghurt the other day, would you like a bit?" ~ On public figures who get caught in hotel rooms with prostitutes and cocaine.

Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say "Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- W-why are we on a tropical island?"

It turns you into two people: one of you's very nice, you'll go up to complete strangers and say, "Come in, come in, sit down, for God's sake, have something. Have my bed." And then you'll go up to people you've known and loved all your life and say, "Get the fuck out of my house. Go on, get out! And leave a tip." ~ On whiskey

The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner.

Nobody likes my shoes! I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said "Thank you."" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me." ~ On the effects of gin

I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. ~ On dining out at a friend's house.

What's going on? What do we do now? "DONT FUCK ANYONE; YOU'LL DIE! Never mind, here comes MC Hammer." ~ On sexual freedom throughout generations

I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy! I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because theres not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY! ~ On breakups, were people not lying

If you're gonna die, make a fucking nice cake. ~ On the French attitude towards desserts

People who get nervous about what other people think of them generally end up being dictators.

You look like a horse in a man costume.

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

"Well, you know what they say about John?" "No, I'm sorry what?" "Well, you know, apparently he's a bit [cocks leg] "I'm sorry, what are talking about?" "You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of the old british hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes." What are you talking about? ~ On euphemisms for homosexuals

"Death Before Dishonour" I always used to wonder "Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking here?" Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a smurf before choosing death. I'd cook him a little smurf omlette as I was doin