I’m a guy who has thoughts so deep that if you fall into my head, you better have brought a packed lunch and all the Twlight books because you’ll need them to pass the time before you reach fucking eye level. So between thoughts like “Did God really create the world in 7 days”, “Is there life on Mars” or “How many Ninjas can I fit in my toilet”, I normally have a little argument about shit with me, myself and my arse. So last week when I gutting a house that had a surprise behind EVERY wall and under EVERY inch of carpet to such an extent that if I found a body, it would really explain the smell, I had a fucking argument with myself about music. I even named my argument: ‘How to Pleasure Your Guitar’.

Let me explain, between ripping up carpet and throwing up because my ‘gas mask’ was as useful as a gym sock stuffed in your mouth, I was listening to The 100 Best Guitar Solos for the 873 time, I realized that most the guitarists play the guitar in different ways, kinda like how most men have different styles of fucking: there's the ‘loving and gently’ fucking style, the ‘hard and fast style’ fucking style, the ‘TAKE IT UP THE ASS’ style, to name a few. Now your probably wondering about what the hell I’ve been smoking and my reply is that I’ve been smoking nothing……………its all up my nose ! No I was straight in the head when I was thinking about this but it does make more sense then it sounds.

If you have no life and you have looked at the 1998 Guitar Solo poll (by the way, Duirmuid! Dragonforce formed in 1999, there 1st studio album came out in 2003 and ‘Through The Fire and Flames’ cam out in 2006, idiot!), then you would have seen a huge range of guitarists stretching from Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin to ‘Dimebag’ Darrell Abbott of Pantera and everything in between including The Beatles, Michael Jackson and, strangely, Neil Young.

I’ve just mentioned 5 bands/artists and they all have a different way of fucking, I mean playing there guitar: Jimmy Page is the experimental lover who brings many ‘toys’ to the bed like blues and jazz riffs and violin bows, ‘Dimebag’ Darrell Abbott was angry lover who fucked his lover hard but passionately as you see in ‘Walk’, ‘I’m Broken’ and ‘Floods’, George Harrison from The Beatles was the fun lover who shags while he’s so high that he thinks he’s on the dark side of the Moon, while Michael Jackson never played guitar but did manage to hire Eddie Van Halen, the ‘Guitarist 4 Hire’ who has fingers that could make a guitar orgasm just by picking it up, to play ‘Beat It’ and Neil Young……………well, he likes it shoved it up his own ass for his own sexual pleasure.

Jimmy Page, as I mentioned, has some unique fetishes but he’s not the only one with these fetishes. A very well known example of this is Tom Morello who is renounced for his porno ‘Bulls on Parade’ which has been banned in several countries including New Zealand ad Australia. I’m sure you’ve heard his solo in it, you sould know it: it’s were he forgets that it’s a guitar and not a turn table. It is a very funny thing to watch but it also an amazing idea: it appeared in a time were people were playing there guitar like you traditional play a guitar, Mr. Morello was to busy reinventing things like bikes that you can cycle upside down (not really) and those the bastard child ‘Bulls on Parade’ was born.

If you were reading my last blog then you would have noticed that some of the bands and guitarists are older then some hills. Now its 10 years time ago and my friends seem to like throwing random long solos at me like darts at my dart board tattoo on my bullocks. This led me to think about solos today: 3 that were spat at me on my own page was Slipknot’s ‘Psychosocial’, DragonForce’s ‘Through The Fire And Flames’ and Steve Ouimette’s cover of Primus’s cover of The Charlie Daniels Band’s song ‘

There’s one point in every person’s life where they realize everything changes, and I mean EVERYTHING! For example, I spent the last 10 hours, yes 10 hours, of the weekend crushed up against a security barrier being felt up and down by several thousand grown men and probably raped several different times by many many different people and if they pushed any harder, you could make lemonade out of my large balls.

If you know me, you’d know I’ve been boasting about a gig I had tickets for a gig so big they make Mount Everest look small. If you don’t know me, I WENT TO AC/DC, *cough* The Blizzards and The Answer *cough*! Oddly enough I don’t really want to talk about them but I will tell you that I nearly cried when AC/DC walked on because AC/DC were/are/always will be one of the greatest bands to ever grace the universe. There up there with the likes of Queen, Elvis and Michael Jackson (R.I.P.) because all the above were like diamonds in a field of dirt and grass.

But as much as I want to rub people’s faces in the fact I went to AC/DC or discuss how important Michael Jackson was to music and great his music was, I am not able to. Why? I don’t want to think about my bruised ribs from AC/DC and I am unsure how to write about Michael and his music because I know I’d fuck that up. Instead I have found a poll from 1998 on the Interweb that interested me: 100 Greatest Guitar Solos! The poll was on About.com and it’s quite good and well done.

In the random order of 1-100, here are the solos from God:
01 - Led Zeppelin - Stairway To Heaven
02 - Van Halen - Eruption
03 - Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird
04 - Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
05 - Jimi Hendrix - All Along The Watchtower
06 - Guns N' Roses - November Rain
07 - Metallica - One
08 - Eagles - Hotel California
09 - Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
10 - Cream - Crossroads
11 - Jimi Hendrix - Voodoo Chile
12 - Chuck Berry - Johnny B. Goode
13 - Stevie Ray Vaughan - Texas Flood
14 - Derek And The Dominos - Layla
15 - Pantera - Floods
16 - Led Zeppelin - Heartbreaker
17 - Eric Johnson - Cliffs of Dover
18 - Jimi Hendrix - Little Wing
19 - Deep Purple - Highway Star
20 - Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
21 - Pink Floyd - Time
22 - Dire Straits - Sultans of Swing
23 - Rage Against The Machine - Bulls On Parade
24 - Metallica - Fade To Black
25 - Jethro Tull - Aqualung
26 - Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
27 - Stevie Ray Vaughan - Pride and Joy
28 - Ozzy Osbourne - Mr Crowley
29 - Steve Vai - For The Love Of God
30 - Joe Satriani - Surfing With The Alien
31 - Ted Nugent - Stranglehold
32 - Jimi Hendrix - Machine Gun
33 - BB King - The Thrill Is Gone
34 - Radiohead - Paranoid Android
35 - Pantera- Cemetary Gates
36 - Yngwie Malmsteen - Black Star
37 - Guns N' Roses - Sweet Child O' Mine
38 - Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love
39 - Neil Young - Cortez The Killer
40 - Steely Dan - Reelin' In The Years
41 - Queen - Brighton Rock
42 - The Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps
43 - ZZ Top - Sharp Dressed Man
44 - Pearl Jam - Alive
45 - The Doors - Light My Fire
46 - Van Halen - Hot For Teacher
47 - The Allman Brothers Band - Jessica
48 - The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For The Devil
49 - Santana - Europa
50 - Kiss - Shock Me
51 - Metallica - Master Of Puppets
52 - Jimi Hendrix - Star Spangled Banner
53 - Led Zeppelin - Since I've Been Loving You
54 - The Smashing Pumpkins - Geek USA
55 - Joe Satriani - Satch Boogie
56 - Black Sabbath - War Pigs
57 - Pantera - Walk
58 - Eric Clapton - Cocaine
59 - The Kinks - You Really Got Me
60 - Frank Zappa - Black Napkins
61 - Ozzy Osborne - No More Tears
62 - Pink Floyd - Money
63 - Soundgarden - Black Hole Sun
64 - Prince - Little Red Corvette
65 - Nirvana - In Bloom
66 - The Allman Brothers Band - Blue Sky
67 - Micheal Jackson - Beat it
68 - Yes - Starship Trooper
69 - The Beatles - And Your Bird Can Sing
70 - Jimi Hendrix - Purple Haze
71 - Funkadelic - Maggot Brain
72 - Aer

Since I won't be here tomorrow, heres tomorrows thing!

Yea it was fun! THE END! Naaaaaa! I think I might just rub it in some people’s faces, like YOURS, KATE! I know that might not be your name but I know a Kate who always wanted to see Oasis and COULDN’T! While this blog is still about music, its also about rubbing dirt in some people’s face, so with that in mind, FUCK YOU, I WENT TO SLANE AND YOU DIDN’T……………………KATE!

If your one of those odd jobs who actually read these wastes of time, I call ‘blogs’, then you would know that I use long sentences of unreadable English gibberish to wash my views down your throat, and that’s what I’m going to do with this!

Last Saturday, 79’999 people and I crammed into a space just smaller then Marley Park to see 2 bands who are near the peak of there careers, 2 bands who reached there peak many, many years ago but still find a way to move dirt to the peak and make the peak even bigger while the 5th band got so lost on the way to the peak, that they got so lost that they ended up under the ground while the singer drank too much Bono Juice and now thinks he is Bono!

Early on in the day, my mate and I found our way into Slane and made our way start to the front after spending an hour talking about how Cliff Burton left a glorious flag on the music scene using Metallica as his ‘spaceship’ (yes I can be very deep about music) with a gang of drunk men from Cork. The deep thoughts of a gang of drunken Cork men and I was actually AMAZINGLY odd! But after they all went to get even more hammered, nick (my mate) and I went wandering and we ended up in another group of drunks who kept slanging me because one of them was a Manchester City fan and I’m a United fan. That went on for until the 1st act came on.

Back in late 2004, 4 men in Mullingar formed a band that we now know as The Blizzards. Yes that’s right, I went to The Blizzards! They were the 1st act and I didn’t know what to expect except for ‘Thrust Me I’m A Doctor’ and ‘The Reason’……………and I never liked those songs when I heard them on the radio. But I must admit, WOW THEY WERE FUCKING GREAT! Yes that’s right, I went to The Blizzards and I said they were great! There is one or 2 things I don’t like about them: 1) the singer is so far up his own ass that, not only can he see the light, his heads in the trees, 2) due to the way music is today, the bassist is USELESS and 3) the singer, who also plays guitar, is extremely vain! While that is the only band thing I can think of, so while I try think of other reasons why they suck, I might just tell you why they were great: 1) the lead guitarist is like a mix between Tom Morello in a nice hat and Jack White and 2) the drummer (who is married to my neighbors cousin) is about as good as…………well, I cant think of any thing as good as him. He took the drums and beat them so well that it was like having my ear drums (get the joke?) messaged and when you throw in the guitarist………well now its getting a bit sexual!

After half the women audience ‘had fun’ listening to them, they were quickly replaced on stage by a band that, in my mind, defy the meaning of what a good band really is. Why you say? Because they sucked! The 2nd act on the stage was Glasvegas, a band from Glasgow and I think every single one of us in Slane was thinking 1 of 2 things: ‘WOW, there shit’ or ‘WOW, he’s not Bono…………but he thinks he is’ (the singer kept singing and acting like Bono). I very much doubt you want to hear me moan and bitch but WOW they really were shit! Just because I can, can I point out some awards that there nominated for this year and last year? I know your expecting to say ‘None at all’ but I can’t because there nominated for: NME’s ‘Best New Band’ and ‘Best Album’, MOJO’s ‘Best Breakthrough Act’, XFM’s ‘XFM’s Best New Music’ (that’s what its called and they won last mon