Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede

She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

I left her with a face like a painters radio

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche

Des Kelly wouldn't lay her

Sweating like a nun in a field full of cucumbers

As mad as a box of frogs

Jaysis shes a set of milkers on her that would feed a mart

Ive a horn on me that would bait Pavorriti away from a pizza

Ive a horn on me that would bait a donkey out of a quarry

Shes a face like a chewed toffee

Im so sick id nearly get into bed with me sister

That lad would drink tar from a Wellington boot

Im so hungry id ate a tinkers toenails

Im so hungry id eat a horse and chase the jockey

Shes a cunt like a wizards sleeve

Me mickeys so hard id club a whale

Your're as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

He's so camp, he'd shite tent peg

I've a horn on me that would beat an ass out of a ditch.

I'm as sick as a small hospital.

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child.

She had a face on her like a well slapped arse.

Your' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit.

My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack.

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician.

As funny as a burning orphanage.

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes.

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress.

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn.

As busy as the dalkey dole office.

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit.

As tight as a nun's knickers.

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers.

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house.

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt.

A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard.

Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche.

As fit as a butcher's dog.

She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Not even the tide would take her out.

Mother Teresa wouldn 't kiss her.

Daz wouldn't shift her.

A sniper wouldn't take her out.

Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle.

If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one.

She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss off a
nettle.

She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede.

If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over the wall.

Give her a boot in the hole and a bucket of mickeys would fall out of her fanny.

Peter Kay's Universal Truths.......brilliant!

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

1 The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

2 No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

1 Who are you?.......
2. Are we friends?........
3. When and how did we meet?........
4. hav u evr had a crush on me?.........
5. Have you ever wanted to punch me?........
6. Give me a nikname and explain why?........
7. Describe me in 2 words........
8. what was ur first impression ov me?.......
9. do u still tink the same?......
10. What reminds u of me?.....
11. If you could giv me anything wot wod it b?......
12. How well do u no me?......
13. Whens the last tym u saw me?.....
14. Eva wanted 2 tell me sumthing u couldnt?......
15.If u had 30mins wit me wat wud u do?.....
17.anyting 2 say b4 u go?....