THE ARDROSSAN HURRICANE APPEAL

Hurricane "Senga" hit the Ayrshire town of Ardrossan in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of momentos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived next morning. Police state that incidents of looting, muggings and car crime were particullarly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Twenty two asylum seekers were rescued from an appartment in Sefton St, rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

West Fm reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ardrossan.

One resident Bernadette O"Reilly, a fifteen year old mother of five said "It gied me a pure fright so"s it did. My little Chardonnay - Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin" My youngest two, Tyler - Morgan and Megan Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when i was watching Trisha the next morning so ah wiz.

Neighbour Joseph "young young" McGurn said "the noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat that it wiz the neds coming oot Lord Carsons, but it wiz even worsen".

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

Residents in neighbouring Saltcoats offered to accomodate those left homeless, but the Ardrossan people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybodys been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.

The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP ?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing smost sought after includes: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sports socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.

Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include: Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy creams, Curly wurlies, Red cola, cans of Special brew and Diamond white, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, Glue or Hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

No Jesus
No Christmas
No television
No lapdancers
No rugby
No football
No darts
No golf
No pubs
No Tesco
No Homebase
No BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No shellfish
No pizza
No wine
No beer
No cricket.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's si ck and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there a mystery here?