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Pupils are sweating over their exams right now and nerves are turning many of them into unintentional comedians. Last year's Standard Grade papers for 16 year-olds revealed some real howlers and this year won't be any different.
Here's a selection of last year's exam howlers from 16 year-olds throughout Scotland.
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins in this fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you a buying a house they will insist you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised?
A. The body is consisted into three parts – the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A.E.I.O and U.
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.
Q. What does “varicose” mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman emperor.
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. It’s when you are sick at the airport.
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in dark places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word “benign” mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.
Q. You arrive at a bus stop at five to three and the bus comes at 3.20. How long have you been waiting?
A. Ages.
Q. Describe a physical skill and how it can be made more difficult.
A. A handstand using only one hand or no hands.
Q. Name three typical Scottish dishes.
A. A plate, a cup and a saucer.
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Shock news tonight that the Scottish Parliament has intervened in the 'Rankgersgate' scenario within the SPL. Speaking from the Parliament building, First Minister Alex Salmond said "I don't support Rankgers, just their wee cousins, but I am disgusted at the way the SPL has treated them after all they have done for Scottish football"
With those thoughts in mind we have today passed legislation to help Rankgers in their fight for glory. The legislation moves the Glasgow Fair fortnight to the September weekend which in turn has been moved to January. Christmas Day will now be on the 27th of January although New Years Day remains where it is but is shortened to just 3 hours. All birthdays have been cancelled and all pregnancies extended to thirteen months.
In addition, next season will start 3 weeks before this one ends so as to enhance Rankgers' chances in the next Champions League Campaign. Furthermore, if at any stage in future the Rankgers are winning an SPL game, that game will be ended as soon as they go in front, so as to save their legs for big European games.
George Burley has been instructed not to name any Rankgers players in his Scotland squads which will save them pulling out with mystery injuries and in future if you beat Rankgers it only counts as a draw for SPL points purposes.
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If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple , Scarborough
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica , Rhyll
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren
This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire
To the zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
I'm a terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist
Why don't NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond Wallybollocks
10
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW
From 
Hiya
Commentaire envoyé par CommentorNext Friday - FRIDAY THE 13TH !! (Oooooh scary.....haha. Don't worry, we'll look after you) see's Our House return to Cabaret Voltaire's Speakeasy after another successful party in October, which saw Jarp Sport make his Our House debut.
However, its now time for residents Liam Goldie & tonykeo to take over again in November and as always they'll be smashing up the Speakeasy, OUR HOUSE style !!
So, if you like your house music and like it funky, jackin, vocal, disco tinged or even a wee bit dirtier, then you'd definitely be better off in OUR HOUSE than yours so get your ass down !!
Doors: 11pm - 3am
Entry: £6 all night
Students: 2-4-1 with valid I.D.
Drinks: From ONLY £2 !!!
For paying guestlist, email our-house@hotmail.co.uk with your name and party size.
Get us on:
www.bebo.com/our_house_edinburgh
http://www.dontstayin.com/uk/edinbur...
Hope to see you all there!
Liam
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Commentaire envoyé par Commentoryeh man nuts! hope you can keep up with the homework. it aint all sandcastles and singalongs ;O)
)
defo re beer....i'll get in touch with prentice see if him and the cart man fancy it too
Just readin yer blog there Shug.....Ancorman.....awesome!!!!
Hows you n the Mrs?
Hi Hugh Cameron
Stereotype is on this weekend at Club Berlin with Huggy (Subliminal Records), Gibby (Tokyo Blu), Ewan Smith, Chris Graham and Darren M
For a £5 paying guest list + que jump just email me and I'll add you to the list.
Hope to see you there
Bet we don't save this message....
Hearts will lie down at Parkhead and Dundee United, formerly known as Dundee Hibernians (Thus Papeish tendencies) will take the point they need from the Evil Forces of Darkness)
mr shugs hows it hanging after such a wonderful weekend lol
We also dont care that the last time you won the Scottish cup, an open topped Dipplodocus was used to parade the cup lol
Sorry lol
Come on Hibs do as a turn..... please beat the Evil Forces of Darkness, let the Purveyors of Good and Justice live on for 4 in a row.
We don't care that you are "Only Whores, Poofs, and Junkies!"
Come on the Hibs get intae them let the Green Flag fly high....
How you doing Shug????
Hi Shug, table booked for Di Vincis for next Fri 17th April 7.30pm for Coco's birthday,
Looking forward to seeing you and Amanda there!!!
S xx
Tell me about it was running my wee football team(still unbeaten this year) and missed the score, but our friend/associate Mr Macrae was quick to text me the result, the complete CANT!!!!! LOL...
did you see that "Show me the money" video, had a chuckle it reminded me off that meeting at DX!!!!! When they played it and we were all shouting show me the money......
Hi Shug
Hope your well long time no see..... Or hear... Classic message from your pal below, I'll not even try to top that other than to say, when Hibs last one the Cup woman couldn't vote, and Rangers only signed Protestants, actually come to think on it they were still only doing that when you last one the SKOL cup!!!!!!!!!!!
Have some Green Luv lol
SINCE HIBS LAST WON THE SCOTTISH CUP .. THE BOER WAR HAS ENDED, 2 WORLD WARS HAVE BROKEN OUT N THE RUSSIANS HAVE REVOLTED .. OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN MADE EASIER WITH INVENTIONS LIKE TEA BAS, SLICED BREAD N THE BALL POINT PEN.. ATHLETES HAVE COMPETED AT 23 SUMMER OLYMPICS, WHILST FOOTBALLERS HAVE CONTESTED ALL 17 WORLD CUP FINALS.. EDWARD VII, GEORGE V,GEORGE VI N ELIZABETH II HAVE ALL SAT ON THRONE.. AVIATION HAS ADVANCED FROM THE WRIGHT BRO'S TO BUDGET AIRLINES.. HENRY FORD STARTED THE MANUFACTURE OF THE MOTOR CAR.. WE ENTERTAIN OURSELVES WITH THE TALKIE MOVIE, RECORDS N CD'S N WATCHING TV.. MAN HAS REACHED THE SOUTH POLE, CLIMBED EVEREST N STEPPED ON THE MOON.. THE TITANIC SET SAIL N SANK. THERE HAVE BEEN 20 PRIME MINISTERS, 18 US PRESIDENTS N 9 POPES ..
HEARTS HAVE WON THE CUP 4 TIMES
You`ve paid for a season ticket to watch the clowns lol at least ous are good looking lol
Las Vegas no luck! I'm in Bathgate yeeeha