"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early."

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.

1. Big Brother - But I've covered that already
2. Big Brother fans - If you want to watch this gobshite, that's fair enough, but don't talk to me about it! I neither know, nor care who's in the house, who's being chucked out, or what they do while they're in there.
3. The Spides in the Boys' Model - A year of my life was spent fixing what they broke and putting up with they're mind-numbing attempts at humour (apparently saying "Alright mate?" or "Harry Potter" in a stupid voice makes them the King Of Comedy).
4. Spides in general - 'Nuff said
5. More Spides - In the flat last year we were freezing our bollocks off for ages waiting for our oil to arrive, and barely a month after it did THE BASTARDS NICKED IT!
6. Football - Football's Coming Home is it? Well where the fuck has it been? It's the only thing that's on TV more than Big sodding Brother, and consists of 90 minutes of - let's be honest - a ball being kicked around.
7. Footballers - They get paid millions to kick a ball around, and the managers get paid millions to tell them to kick a ball around.
8. TXT SPK - RD DIS MSG + TLL ME HNSTLY DAT ITS ESIER 2 UNDRSTND DAN this, for instance (yes I know I'm just a grumpy old man at heart)
9. Ricky Gervais - Why exactly do people think this git is funny? The Office was crap, his stand-up is rubbish, and his head's so far up his own arse he can probably see out of his mouth.

and there'll be more to come...

I was going to put BB on my hate list, but I had so much spleen to vent on it that I thought I may as well give it it's own column. Enjoy!

Someone, somewhere thought it would be a great idea to round up a bunch of people without a brain cell between them, lock them all in the same house, and record what happened. The result is, for 3 months each year (although God knows it seems longer) I get Big Brother force-fed to me everywhere I go. At least other shows that are crap are only on less than an hour a week, so you can just avoid them, but with Big Brother, it's on everyday on at least 3 channels at once, once it ends there's a multitude of shows dedicated to discussing it, everytime you go on the interweb there's more on the subject, people who are normally perfectly sane inexplicably become gibbering morons obsessed with discussing what these feckin' gimps are doing now (I'm looking at you Robert), all the newspapers are glad because they don't have to put any effort into their front pages, they just recap what's already been said on everything I've just mentioned, once the bastards get out it's not any better because than we see the pain and suffering they're really capable of causing; they make fitness instruction videos when they're about as qualified to give advice on fitness as Homer Simpson, they start singing despite the fact that they've got singing voices like a castrated cat running its claws across a china plate while its tail is fed through a wood chipper, they write autobiographies when all they've done is get pissed and make a twat of themselves on television, blissfully ignorant of the fact that they're just another in a long line of bullshit "celebrities" (WHO THE HELL IS JADE GOODY?) who have had they're 15 minutes of fame and refuse to just let it go, and just to add insult to injury, Big Brother itself, which started the whole media circus in the first place, is without question the worst show ever to be put on television (and I include The Office in that statement).

and

breathe...