MALE BASHING JOKES STRIKE BACK!!!

1. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
2. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up woman? Because a woman
who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
3. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It’s one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
4. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me."
5. How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
6. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
7. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
8. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
9. I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
10. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
11. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
12. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It is called Wedding Cake.
13. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
14. Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me. "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!"
15. Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
16. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
17. A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: Wife Wanted. “The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine."
18. The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
19. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
20. Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, and then go to bed. Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, and then go the refrigerator.


...CANT LIVE WITH OUT THEM...

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.

Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.

Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.

Homer no function beer well without.

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

I'm never going to be disabled. I'm sick of being so healthy.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

16 Aug, 2008 Sunderland A 17:30 0-1
23 Aug, 2008 Middlesbrough H 15:00 2-1
31 Aug, 2008 Aston Villa A 16:00 0-0
13 Sep, 2008 Manchester United H 12:45 2-1
20 Sep, 2008 Stoke City H 15:00 0-0
27 Sep, 2008 Everton A 12:45 0-2
04 Oct, 2008 Manchester City A 15:00 2-3
18 Oct, 2008 Wigan Athletic H 15:00 3-2
26 Oct, 2008 Chelsea A 13:30 0-1
29 Oct, 2008 Portsmouth H 20:00 1-0
01 Nov, 2008 Tottenham Hotspur A 17:30 2-1
08 Nov, 2008 West Brom H 17:30 3-0
15 Nov, 2008 Bolton Wanderers A 12:45 0-2
22 Nov, 2008 Fulham H 15:00 0-0
01 Dec, 2008 West Ham United H 20:00
06 Dec, 2008 Blackburn Rovers A 15:00
13 Dec, 2008 Hull City H 15:00
20 Dec, 2008 Arsenal A 15:00
26 Dec, 2008 Bolton Wanderers H 15:00
28 Dec, 2008 Newcastle United A 14:00
10 Jan, 2009 Stoke City A 15:00
17 Jan, 2009 Everton H 15:00
27 Jan, 2009 Wigan Athletic A 20:00
31 Jan, 2009 Chelsea H 15:00
07 Feb, 2009 Portsmouth A 15:00
21 Feb, 2009 Manchester City H 15:00
28 Feb, 2009 Middlesbrough A 15:00
04 Mar, 2009 Sunderland H 20:00
14 Mar, 2009 Manchester United A 15:00
21 Mar, 2009 Aston Villa H 15:00
04 Apr, 2009 Fulham A 15:00
11 Apr, 2009 Blackburn Rovers H 15:00
18 Apr, 2009 Arsenal H 15:00
25 Apr, 2009 Hull City A 15:00
02 May, 2009 Newcastle United H 15:00
09 May, 2009 West Ham United A 15:00
16 May, 2009 West Brom A 15:00
24 May, 2009 Tottenham Hotspur H 16:00