I think you're sweet, and you're smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.

Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?

I'm not so great at advice...could I interest you in a sarcastic comment...some cheese?

Dear God, this parachute's a napsack!!

No one puts baby in the corner

Paramedics are so slow, I know somone who had a heart attack fell on his hampster. rspca got there before the ambulance did

Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

(jake): is there anything else to eat. (his granny): I don't suppose you'd eat sqwab? (jake): nope, but it sounds kinda creepy........sssqwwaaab!

[Women] Wow Jake, you've really grown
[Jake] It's called puberty
[Charlie] It's called donuts

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than be loved for who I am not

This moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments

I've. Had. Enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic, one-woman freak-show, take your 'Blah-blah' to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel.

Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.

[COX] 'barbie, you're chief resident.'
[JD] 'hahaha!' very funny!'
[COX] 'so not joking.'
[ELLIOT] 'oh my god, now I know how liza minnelli felt! when she won the oscar, not when she married that gay pan-faced alien.'
[COX] 'newbie, how ya doing?'
[JD] 'no, no, I totally understand. come on, you did what you had to do. you went with your gut; elliot's a great doctor. I do have three questions though: why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? who's gonna tell my mom? and what the hell am I supposed to do with 10,000 'john dorian chief resident' business cards?!'
[COX] 'yeah, scarlet, you're chief resident too.'
[JD] 'uh, what now?'
[COX] 'well, I figure with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being warm and cuddly as an unpotty-trained labradoodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty-trained labradoodle, together the two of you would make one barely passable doctor... slash labradoodle.'

[DR. COX] I mean come on children! what do you actually think is going to happen here? do you think I'm going to take you, and sit you down next to me -sits rex down next to him and puts an arm around him. JD walks in- and say um... listen, if you need anything you've got my pager, just know that I'm there for you always...
[JD] oh. my. god!
[DR. COX] newbie...
[JD] zip it! I am so gee darned pissed right now. I was okay when you kept me at arms length because everyone said that was just cox, that's how he operates, and I believed them. now I walk in on this, this... bi-racial love fest! you know what? I hate to do it but I'm giving you back the pencil. that's right, the pencil you gave me on my third day of work. you handed it off to me like a tiny yellow baton, but you were trying to say to me 'jd you are the new me. You, jd, are my mentee. you, are my son.'
[DR. COX] what pencil?
[JD] oh that's just perfect! that's perfect! you know what? take it! maybe you can use it with rex, or gloria, or that's guy!
[DR. COX] that guys name is leslie.
[JD] his name is lesley. his name is lesley. your name is lesley. alright, good for you lesley.
[walks away before running back and tackling the intern] LESLEY!!!

[Cox] This from a guy with a unicorn on his diary?
[JD] It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on his head ... he is there to guard my hopes and dreams!!!

75 Irritating Random Questions