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Father Ted
Memorable Quotes from
"Father Ted" (1995)
Father Dougal: I know! Well lure them into a giant bingo game!
Father Ted: And how are we going to do that?
Father Dougal: We'll print up some bingo cards on our printing press and... oh.
Father Ted: Yes, it's the lack of a printing press that lets us down there. Or bingo balls. Or a PA system. Or in fact, any bingo paraphernalia at all.
Father Dougal: Damn. So near, yet so far.

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Father Jack Hackett: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

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Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!

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Father Ted: I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.
Pat Mustard: Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!
Father Ted: Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.
Pat Mustard: Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?
Father Ted: Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

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Father Dougal: What are you doing Dougal?
Father Ted: Watching television Ted.
Father Ted: Chewing gum for the eyes.
Father Dougal: No thanks Ted.

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Father Ted: It's fabulous being a priest - think of all that comfort you bring to the sick and dying. They love it, they can't get enough of it!

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Father Ted: What was that sermon about?
Father Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was concentrating too hard on looking holy.

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Fr. Buzz Cagney: You know what I do with $400? I wipe my ass with it.
Father Ted: Good God. And can that still be used as legal tender?

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Father Ted: The way I feel now I could convert gays!

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Father Ted: You won't be able to come with me... when I go into space. I'm going to be the first priest in space.
Father Dougal: God Ted, first America then space, what next?

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Father Ted: I'm not Santa, infact I'm the opposite of Santa.
Father Ted: The anti-Santa!

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Father Ted: Heart of Gold that man, he'd do anything to you... for you.

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Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
[he points to some plastic cows on the table]
Father Ted: are very small; those
[pointing at some cows out of the window]
Father Ted: are far away...

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Father Ted: He gets a kind of waxy build up in his ears.
Father Dougal: Yeah, but it's good though, in a way, cos we never run short of candles.

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Father Fintan Stack: I want to listen to some music.
Father Ted: Oh, that's fine, you go ahead there.
Father Fintan Stack: I wasn't asking for permission.

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Father Dougal: I don't beli