. My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

2. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

4. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion. I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

5. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

6. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She's not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

7. I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

8. My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.

And then the fight started.....

9. A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

10. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my st

You go to the ball with your cousin.
-A nice restaurant is an 'all you can eat' place.
-Someone in your family got pregnant at 15.
-A sleeve is a form of tissue for your nose.
-You have to do dishes more than 3 times a day.
-Your uncles and aunty's taught you to swear when you were 3
-Breakfast is the left over food from last night.
-Your sent to pick watercress for a funeral, 3 o'clock in the morning.
-You organise for a get together at 2 o'clock, and everyone shows up at 5.
-You get a hiding with a jandal/gumboot/chord/spoon/stick
-You can sprint barefoot on sharp rocks.
-You visit cuzzies, and someone's wearing the clothes you left behind last time.
-Australia is your ultimate holiday destination
-You and your cousins sit around, and dis everyone who walks past.
-Your brother is over protective of you, then he beats up his missus.
-You have brothers or sisters with different mothers or fathers.
-You give the longest shout outs on the radio.
-You have at least one alcoholic in your family.
-You have 6 people in the back seat of the car.
-You go home after school on a Wednesday, and your parents are having a party.
-In a photo, someone's pulling some kind of gang related hand signal.
-Your mum cuts your hair cos you keep getting kutu's.
-Your at a party, and your aunty turns the stereo off then starts playing the guitar.
-You know all the words to 10 guitars.
-You see someone wearing your shoes that went missing at the marae.
-The words 'ea' 'chur' and 'sweet' are part of your vocabulary.
-you go to school to eat the other kids lunch
-you go to school to watch the teacher teach the other kids
-you give the pakeha kid a hiding for calling you dum
- bullrush was your favourite sport
-You get ur pakeha partner to go rent the flat
-you think ur tribe is the best in the world
-your dad cuts your hair, gets hoha and leaves the other half for the next day after school!!
-downloading songs is a habit
-your older brother makes you cry and your the one who gets a hiding for crying
-all your marbles are ball bearings and you try to pass them off as steelies
-Hello and goodbye is said by raising your eyebrows.
-you laughed at how the crocodile hunter died.
-your jandals / gumboots are: ur running shoes, ur work shoes, ur flippers and ur going out shoes.
-your swimming togs are shorts and t-shirt. (and ur in Maui, Hawaii, where all they wear is bikinis).
-you do bombs at the public pools where it says no bombing.
-brushing your hair is ... just putting on a beanie.
-your Dad is also your Koro
-you start driving, smoking and drinking when you are in form one
-you're good at touch
-at least one of your relations is a Coconut
-you cant speak Maori but are fluent when you are drunk
-you laugh at everyone who cant sing
-you laugh at everyone who cant dance
-you laugh at everyone who cant do both at the same time
-your at a party with the guitar and everyone only knows half the words to all the songs u sing
-you've got at least one uncle with a patch
-you go to a party and at least a couple of ur relatives are sleeping on the table
-you go to a party in three days time and its still going
-you go to a party and they start passing round da cowboy hat 4 beers
-you go diving with one flipper
-playing the spoons is right up there for percussion to the guitar.
-gumboots, jandals & a swandri are all considered #1's.
-the whanau hangi sacks and baskets get passed down to you
-rotten foods are a delicacy
-you try the whakapapa/tino rangatiratanga line to get into a public event
-you've been in a car with a drunk driver
-You never have matching socks
-You drive past the pretty girls in your class with your mum in the Hillman Hunter and pretend your picking something up off the passenger floor
-You use Big letters small letters one after the other to write online