I'll add to these as i remember them:

Random quotes

Some people call me lucky, but i know i'm better than them.

Smoking Like Crazy.

Sweating like a Pillow fight.

Can i have a pint bottle of draft Bulmers.

Did ya see his knob? did ya?

Jim, ya. Jim, ya. Jim, ya. Oh Right.

Bulmers please. Pint Bottle or draft? ya.
Water please. still or sparkling? ya
Wine please. red or white? ya

Fool me once, shame on you.Fool me twice...i cant be fooled again.

My anus is bleeding.

Mark and Paul holding hands. Paul shouting at the lads "pussies at least I'm getting some"

still holding hands passing 2 Gardai "your hands are so soft did you use a new cream"

homeless man "do you have 50cent"
Mark "no"
homeless " do you have a fag"
Mark " no"
homeless "you're useless"
Mark "you're homeless"

You're always the same sometimes.

You're As useful as a wet fart in a lightning storm.

You're Like a light house in a bog brilliant but f**king useless.

I'd make shit of her.

I'd tear her ass cheeks into two different countries.

What colour is the brown one.

That tastes like bad.

Me:You cant go out this way
Customer:how do i get out
Me:the way you came in
Customer:i cant remember how i came in

how do you get the head on a bulmers.

bartender1:You should use a hot spoon,
bartender2:you should go f**k yourself

your virginity grows back,you do know that?

my sense is like your table manners,just aint there.

whats the name for the useless skin around the vagina,
the woman?

your dipping your pen in the company ink

im as fit as a tinkers greyhound

What day is tuesday?

Whats tetris?

i shave my thighs more often than you shave your face

you'll have to speak up im wearing a towel

its not devil worship unless someone gets raped

era schtop

come on to fuck

I'll cellotape you in the book

I'm in the mood for experimentation!

If you've never seen and elephant on skis, then you've never been on acid

Don't be given me no bac sas

Don't make me hit you with my ring hand

I bet you cant throw a cat over the house

skins quotes

Oh...Fuck my donkey

EMPHASIS....DRAMA.....FUCK OFF

dont be such a fucking vagina

ill kill you, you fucking flat chested...cock sucking....spastic horse fucker..

Bash.org
what the fuck is wtf.

I hated going to weddings. All the grandmas would poke me saying "You're next". They stopped that when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
It said my password wasn't long enough.

Name ONE thing that your windows comp can do that my MAC cant?
Right Click.

Capitalization is the difference between "I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse.." and "I had to help my uncle jack off a horse.."

the "bishop" came to our church today,he was a fucken impostor,never once moved diagonally.

Podge and Rodge

I'm as sick as a small hospital

I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child

She had a face on her like a well slapped arse

Your' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit

My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack

He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup

He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician

As funny as a burning orphanage

He's so camp, he shites tent pegs

I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes

I feel like a boiled shite (hungover)

(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress

She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn

As busy as the dalkey dole office

Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit

As tight as a nun's knickers

I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn

I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the exhaust of
the van that took her dirty knickers to the laundry.

Up and down like a hoor's knickers

No show pony but would do for a ride around the house

Did your mother find out who your father is yet?

What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt

I lef

EARTHWORM JIM!
Through soil he did crawl
EARTHWORM JIM!
A supersuit did fall

Jim was just a dirt-eating
chewy link of worm flesh
but all that came to a crashing end
Ahahahahaaa...

EARTHWORM JIM!
He's such a groovy guy
EARTHWORM JIM!
He rockets through the sky

Cruisin' through the Universe
havin' lots of fun
Here comes Earthworm Jim you know
that he's a mighty one
LOOK OUT!

*whistling to theme song tune break*

Despite his great big muscles,
and his really big ray gun
Jim is still an Earthworm,
but then he's the only one

With a super suit to make him really super strong,
Jim can be a winner if we only sing along...
ALRIGHT!

EARTHWORM JIM!
We think he's mighty fine
EARTHWORM JIM!
A hero for all time!

EARTHWORM!
EARTHWORM!
EARTHWORM!

EARTHWORM JIM!
HURRAY FOR HIMMMMMMMM!

Guh-Roovy!