Everybody loves one liners and here's a load of them. I know I will be crucified for posting some of them, that will just make you say "Oh jaysus, that is awful".
A load of them are written by Tim Vine, Mitch Hedberg, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. They are all just legendary!!
Please do not kill me for putting them up, I'm just the messenger. Enjoy!!

My hairdresser wife ran a marathon the other day... Apparently she knew a shortcut

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you"? I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift"? I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it".

I met this guy in the street and the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an ice-cream". He said "Hundreds & thousands"? I said "We'll start with one". He said "Knickerbocker glory"? I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes".

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write". I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it...

Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they?

This bloke said to me, "I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library". I thought "That's a turn-up for the books".

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aww". I said "Why"? He said "My dog's died".

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought "This is unusual". And the dentist said to me "Hey you, get out of the filing cabinet".

The price of hearing aids has gone up. Deaf people across the country are going "How much"?

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please"? And a voice said "You are".

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said "Is that the local swimming baths"? He said "It depends where you're calling from".

I rang up a local building firm, I said "I want a skip outside my house". He said "I'm not stopping you".

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil... Crematoriums

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang me up, and he said "You've been promoted". And I swerved. And then he rang me up a second time and said "You've been promoted again". And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said "You're managing director". And I crashed into a tree. And a policeman came up and said "What happened to you"? And I said "I careered off the road".

I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags... He's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one".

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I rang up Eircom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller". He said "Not you again".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like"? I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".

In my desperate attempt to find a girl, I have used numerous pick up lines that have ended up in me getting slapped, punched and had drinks thrown in my face. 27 kicks to the bollox later, and still no success. Darn!! Here are a few of the chat up lines that I am STILL using and STILL never able to succeed with:

Will you play army men with me.. so I can blow the hell out of you !

Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

Is it cold in here, or are you just happy to see me?

Me: Do you sleep on your stomach?
Woman: No.
Me: Can I?

Wow! Are those real?

There must be a keg in your pants, cuz I want to tap that ass.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

Me: Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
Woman: No.
Me: Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.

True, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd like to catch and mount back at my place.

Why do I have a pierced tongue? You'll soon find out.

Hey baby, will you be my love buffet so I can lay you on the table and take what I want?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?

I'd like to kiss you passionately on the lips, then move up to your belly button.

You must work at Subway, 'cause you just gave me a footlong

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Are you a parking ticket? 'cause you got fine-fine-fine written all over ya.

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

If I said you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

Girl, you must be tired 'cause you've been running through my mind all day!

You ain't the HOTTEST girl here tonight, but beauty is only a light-switch away!

So ya wanta put your pickle in my juicy jar?!

Is your dad a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb!

Lets play Pearl Harbour, I lay down and you blow me to heaven

Is that dress felt ? Would you like it to be?

What's a big girl like you doing in a small town like this?

Let’s play house, you be the screendoor and I'll bang you all night long.

Sure it’s a needle but it moves like a sewing machine

You wanna come over to my house and play battleship. I can show you my destroyer

Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just took my heart away!

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!

I'm not wearing any pants.

You have been very naughty! Go to my room!

Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under

Sex is like Pringles: once you pop, you can't stop.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

When God made you, he was showing off

It's not my fault I fell in love, you're the one who tripped me!

If you were a bugger I would pick you first.

If I let you suck on my tongue would you be greatful?

Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?

I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

You remind me of my Grandma except I haven't slept with you yet.

You stole my heart. But that's okay; I have another one at home in the fridge.

Are you free tonight or is it gonna cost me?

I wish you were a child’s play car outside a shop so I could ride you all day long for just €1!!

Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 PSI?

Why don't you get down on your knees and smile like a doughnut?

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

If your left leg is Hallowe’en, and your right leg is Christmas, can I visit you between the holidays?