Drinking Guide


SYMPTOM: Pint appears to be crystal clear...
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him/her.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognise anyone, don't even recognise the room you're in.
FAULT: Don't panic - you've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they've any free pints anyhow.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest pet dog, complain about how house training has "gone to the dogs nowadays".

SYMPTOM: Pint appears unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You've fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar counter.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains fag-ends.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tastes tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to loo, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurry.
FAULT: You're looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to get you another pint.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another pub/party

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed, have yez no homes to go to
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman, grab taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on a table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear though.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologise to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: That lager is too weak.
ACTION: Have more drink until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman/man in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up dosage immediately.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made complete arsehole of self.

50 THINGS THAT CHANGE WHEN YOU LEAVE COLLEGE:

1. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep
2. Having sex in a single bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. Your fantasies of having sex with three women with lesbian
tendencies (some of these arent 100% accurate!!!!)
are replaced by fantasies of having sex with anyone at all.
5. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local
hospital.
6. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
7. You hear your favourite song in the lift at
work.
8. Informative TV does not include Richard and Judy.
9. The bank manager doesn't write threatening letters any more.
10. You carry an umbrella.
11. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
12. You don't go to Tesco with all your friends.
13. You have standing orders and direct debits.
14. The heating works in your house.
15. Your friends marry and
divorce instead of get together and break-up.
16. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
17. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
18. Jeans and a jumper no longer qualify as 'dressed
up'.
19. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids
nextdoor won't turn down the stereo.
20. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
21. Washing up is not an annual ritual.
22. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around
you.
23. You don't know what time the kebab shop closes
anymore.
24. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
25. You feed your dog Pal instead of McDonalds.
26. You don't get ideas for drinks from local tramps.
27. You don't put half-finished curries in the fridge to eat
later.
28. You don't spend half your day strategically planning pub
crawls.
29. You "hate scrounging students".
30. You no longer have a strange attraction to road signs when
drunk.
31. Sleeping in the lounge is a no-no.
32. You can't persuade your flatmates to 'Drink till
dawn'.
33. You don't spend Wednesday afternoons in the pub.
34. You always know where you are when you wake up.
35. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
36. A fire in the kitchen is not a laugh.
37. You go to the chemist for Panadol and antacids, not
condoms
and pregnancy test kits.
38. A bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'.
39. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
40. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast.
41. You don't have mice
living in your kitchen.
42. Grocery lists are longer than pot noodles & cans of lager.
43. You don't go to Lidl to buy Vodka.
44. You have vacuumed.
45. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
46. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'm never
going to drink that much again'.
47. Over 90% of the time you
spend in front of a computer is
for real work.
48. You don't experiment with banned substances.
49. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a
pub.
50. Lunchtime is not 'the morning'.

HOW U KNOW UR ADDICTED TO BEBO!

1. You are at a bar or club and you suddenly realize you recognize someone. You can't figure out how and then it dawns on you... You have never met this person before, but have spent a considerable amount of time looking at their BeBo.

2. After meeting someone your conversation somehow leads to - "So, are you on BeBo?"

3. You do not call people anymore, you post comments and send messages through BeBo

4. When talking about one of your friends you just refer to them as "Brandonisforlovers" rather than their real name.

5. When you're out with friends and you take a good picture you exclaim loudly, "That's going on BeBo!"

6. Conversations with friends tend to lead to, "Did you read that bulletin/comment/ or see that new picture 'Cuddlemaria' left?"

7. You check your BeBo as soon as you wake up, and right before you go to bed, including the 10 times you check it during the day.

8. You know people who have gotten offended about the Top 16.

9. You start off intending to check if you have new messages/comments but find AN HOUR LATER that you are still on and have no idea what you even accomplished during that time except stalk.

10. You find yourself laughing (sadly) and agreeing as you read these, and you know you're going to repost this for everyone else to see.