A bouncer isn't just a bouncer. In fact they are very complex and varied creatures. After an extensive study of the bouncer we have managed to categorise them into the following sections of the bouncer world:

Nice Bouncer:
If you spot one of the rare nice guy bouncers at the door of your destination pub/club, you're in for a fair time. These bouncers, if they were not wearing their bouncer gear, could pass as average guys, and will usually give you an easy time entering the pub/club (providing your not completely intoxicated or an obvious chav/ned). They may ask you "Where have you been tonight?", or "How are you doing?", but this is done without any aggression whatsoever, and more often than not will be followed with "Enjoy your night" as you enter the pub/club. These bouncers are only usually found in cities, and tend to be students who have taken on a job while studying.

Dickhead Bouncer:
These bouncers are the scum of the bouncer 'profession', the ones you least want to see on the door of the pub/club you are heading towards. With no logic or reasoning whatsoever, they will take great pleasure in knocking a completely sober person back from a club for being "too drunk", or will tell a well dressed person "I can't let you in dressed like that". These bouncers, who smirk as they knock you back, are the cause of most club doorway arguments, and will respond to questions such as "Why won't you let me in?" with "Because you're being refused entry", or "Step away from the door". There is no arguing with these bouncers, they will not see reason and will always give irrelevant answers to any questions you may ask them. Unfortunately, dickhead bouncers are very common, and can be found in most cities and smalltown pubs/clubs.

Short Bouncer:
Short bouncers, like dickhead bouncers, lack logic and reasoning in their club entry interrogation process. They will quite happily ask you for I.D., scan it for 30 seconds, ask you your date of birth, and then gleefully knock you back. An additional feature of these bouncers is that they have a huge chip on their shoulders, and make up for in aggression what they lack in height. Being knocked back from a club by a dickhead bouncer is infuriating, but being refused entry by a smarmy short bouncer for "Not having the right I.D.", or "You don't look like the type we want here" has an extra sting to it. Again, like dickhead bouncers, these short bouncers are the cause of many club doorway arguments, and due to their illogical arguing approach, cannot be beaten.

Fat Bouncer:
The fat bouncer, 99% of which have baldy heads, are mainly found on the doors of clubs rather than pubs. They tend not to be very vocal, and are more for show than anything else. It is a common sight to see a huge fat bouncer standing quietly by a nightclub door while his smaller counterparts interrogate patrons. Fat bouncers will usually remain in this idle state unless violence breaks out. When a fight does occur, these huge bouncers play a key role in breaking it up by literally throwing their weight at the drunken brawlers. Fat bouncers are found mainly in cities, but can occasionally be seen in smalltown pubs/clubs.

Giatn Bouncer:
Giant bouncers are similiar to fat bouncers, in that their size acts as a deterrant to potential trouble makers, and they are almost always bald. However, giant bouncers tend to be more fair and reasonable than their fat friends when deciding if you're getting into the pub/club. These guys are huge, built like tanks, and know they have power, hence they do not have the same chip on their shoulder that their smaller/fatter colleagues have. And again, like fat bouncers, giant bouncers play a key role in breaking up fights. If a giant bouncer is on the door, he should be approached for the best chance of gaining entry to the pub/club. Giant bouncers will generally be found working at the better clubs of the cities.

Strict Bouncer:
The strict bouncer is a jobsworth at

Man Laws 79 days ago

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.


2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following Circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) When kicked down below
(c) When in Love
(d) When she is using her teeth..


3: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man While lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!


4: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.


5: If you've known a guy for more than 1week, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.


6: We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!


7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.


8: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.


9: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



10: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.


11: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

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