Jimmy Rabbitte: What do you play?
Failed Drug Buyer: I used to play football in school.
Jimmy Rabbitte: I mean, what instrument?
Failed Drug Buyer: I don't.
Jimmy Rabbitte: What are you doing here, then?
Failed Drug Buyer: Well, I saw everyone else lining up, so, uh - I thought you were selling drugs.

Deco: If I'm gonna front the band, I like the sound of "Deco."
Billy: Deco the bus conductor. Is that "top-Deco" or "bottom-Deco"?

Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: Is this the band then? Betcha U2 are shittin' themselves.

Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: That's fuckin' blasphemy. Elvis wasn't a Cajun

Jimmy Rabbitte: Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud.
Dean Fay: I'm black and I'm proud.

Jimmy Rabbitte: Elvis is not soul.
Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: [defensively] Elvis is God.
Jimmy Rabbitte: I never pictured God with a fat gut and corset singing "My Way" at Caesar's Palace.

Jimmy Rabbitte: Soul is the music people understand. Sure it's basic and it's simple. But it's something else 'cause, 'cause, 'cause it's honest, that's it. Its honest. There's no fuckin' bullshit. It sticks its neck out and says it straight from the heart. Sure there's a lot of different music you can get off on but soul is more than that. It takes you somewhere else. It grabs you by the balls and lifts you above the shite.

Jimmy Rabbitte: What do you call yourselves?
Derek: "And And And."
Jimmy Rabbitte: "And And fuckin' And?"
Derek: Well, Ray's thinking of putting an exclamation mark after the second "and." Says it'd look deadly on the posters.
Jimmy Rabbitte: Psshh...
Outspan Foster: You don't like it? You think it should go at the end?
Jimmy Rabbitte: I think it should go up his arse.
Outspan Foster: Well, we're not married to it.

Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: What did Evel Knievel want?
Jimmy Rabbitte: God sent him.
Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: What?
Jimmy Rabbitte: God sent him.
Jimmy Rabbitte, Sr.: On a fucking Suzuki?

Steve: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Natalie: That's three Hail Marys for you tomorrow.

Imelda: He eats like a pig.
Bernie: He's such a prick.
Natalie: Hasn't got the voice of a pig though. Joey says it belongs to God.
Billy: God should ask for it back.
Natalie: You all right, Jimmy?

Jimmy Rabbitte: say it once and say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud.
Jimmy Rabbitte: I'd like to introduce you to the hardest-workin' band in the world. On bass, Derek "Meatman" Scully. On piano, Steven "Soul Surgeon" Clifford. Dean "Mr Nipple" Fay on sax. Joey "The Lips" Fagan on trumpet. Our gorgeous chanteuses are Bernie, Imelda, and Natalie. Deco "Deep Throat" Cuffe on vocals. On lead guitar, Outspan "Fender bender" Foster. Finally, on drums, Mickah "Don't
Fuck With Me" Wallace. Ladies and gentlemen, The Commitments.

Natalie Murphy: What do you think, Jimmy, they'll be eatin' chips out of our knickers?

Billy: And you... George Michael... you ever call me a fuckin' eejit again, you'll go home with the drumsticks stuck up your hole... the one you don't sing out of.
Deco: That'll be the day.
Billy: I'm tellin' ya it's coming, so keep your Vaseline handy.

[Joey and Dean are rehearsing apart from the rest of the band]
Joey: Are you doing what I told you? Are you thinking of that reed as a woman's nipple?
Joey: Are you doing what I said? Are you thinking of that reed as a woman's nipple?
Dean Fay: I am. But, I'm a little embarrassed, she's still in school.
Joey: Maybe you should set your sights a little higher? My trumpet was always Gina Lollobrigida.
Dean Fay: [thinking] How about Kim Basinger?
Joey: [holds his hand up to his chest as though cupping a breast] Is she?
Dean Fay: Oh, yeah!
Joey: Right. Pick a nipple and try again.

[Jimmy has been auditioning unimpressive musicians all day]
Smiths' Song Singer: [singing] I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but h

"He's six-foot something, fit as a flea, good-looking - he's got to have something wrong with him. Hopefully he's hung like a hamster! That would make us all feel better!"
Ian Holloway searches for a chink in the armour of Cristiano Ronaldo in his BBC column.


"And whilst Jamie was enjoying his semi, Liverpool were playing Arsenal at the Emirates."
Richard Keys, about Jamie Redknapp watching the FA Cup semi-final before the Middlesbrough-Manchester United game

Outside the Shankly Gates
I heard a Kopite calling
Shankly they have taken you away
But you left a great eleven
Before you went to heaven
Now it's glory round the Fields of Anfield Road.

All round the Fields of Anfield Road
Where once we watched the King Kenny play (and he could play)
We had Heighway on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
Of the glory round the Fields of Anfield Road

Outside the Paisley Gates
I heard a Kopite calling
Paisley they have taken you away
You led the great 11
Back in Rome in 77
And the Redmen they are still playing the same way
All round the Fields of Anfield Road
Where once we watched the King Kenny play (and he could play)
We had Heighway on the wing
We had dreams and songs to sing
Of the glory round the Fields of Anfield Road