If you're reading this you are probably hipper than me. How did I lose my groove? If Stella could get hers back, shouldn't I too be able?

I'm 21 going on 93. What is it you crazy kids are doing these days? I've been on Myspace forever, but Bebos, Snapvine? Where was I when all of these awesome new things came out?

One day when I get married (not going to happen) and have a kid (not going to happen), I'm going to sit him down and give him the sex talk. I know he's going to look up at me and say, "Dad, you're so vanilla. I've heard your role plays. I know you and mom experiment with bondage. I know you get wrapped in saran wrap and get massaged by all our swinger neighbors. But what about..." He'll go on to explain to me forty new sexual positions, why I lack skills as a lover, and how he's already mastered tantra. He'll explain that an online zen master enlightened him, he can speak in over sixty internet languages, and I'd better get the fuck out of the way because the trains coming in and my generation is on the tracks.