I'm as sick as a small hospital
I'm so hungry I'd eat a small child
She had a face on her like a well slapped arse
Your' re as welcome as a fart in a spacesuit
My mouth's as dry as a nuns crack
He has rubber-lined pockets so he can steal soup
He thinks manual labour is a Spanish musician
As funny as a burning orphanage
He's so camp, he shites tent pegs
I'm as sick as a plane to Lourdes
I feel like a boiled sh1te (hungover)
(when leaving) I'm off like a debs dress
She had a face on her that would drive rats from a barn
As busy as the dalkey dole office
Sweatin' like a paedophile in a Barney suit
As tight as a nun's knickers
I'm so horny I'd get up on the crack of dawn
I'd crawl a million miles across broken glass to kiss the
exhaust of the van that took her dirty knickers to the
laundry. Up and down like a hoor's knickers
No show pony but would do for a ride around the house
Did your mother find out who your father is yet?
What would ye expect from a pig but a grunt
I left her with a face like a painters radio
A mickey the size of a double-value can of Right Guard
Jaysus, she could breastfeed a crèche
As fit as a butcher's dog
She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book
Not even the tide would take her out
Mother Teresa wouldn't kiss her
Daz wouldn't shift her
Des Kelly wouldn't lay her
A sniper wouldn't take her out
Jaysus, ya wouldn't ride her into battle
If I'd a bag of bruised willies I wouldn't give her one
She has a face on her like a bulldog that's just licked piss
off a nettle
She wouldn't get a kick in a stampede
She had a fanny like a badly packed kebab
If I'd a garden full of mickeys I wouldn't let her look over
the wall

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.Amen."
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A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.I'm having a real good time like I am."
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~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.."
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One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
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~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson."If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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~~
A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand."Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked."He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.The boy thought a moment and then said,"Did God throw him back down?"
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A wife invited some people to dinner.At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied."Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"