Expenses of Football

Season ticket- £400
Champions League tickets- £90
Replica Jersey- £36
Printing your name on the jersey- £12
Club Flag- £5
Club scarf- £6
Petrol- £10
Chippy before the match- £1.90
Beer before the match- £20
Your favourite player scores the winner at 90 minutes- PRICELESS

Jokes

What do you call a french-man walking along the beach with a pair of sandles on? Philippe-phloppe!

What do u call a angery gorilla with a bannana split in his ears? Anything you want he cant hear you

How do you contact spider-man? On the web!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar-man "you got any bread?" the barman replys "no, sorry no bread" so the duck asks "you got any bread?" and the bar-man replys "did you no hear me, i said we dont have any bread" so the duck asks "you got any bread?" the bar-man says "no, no bread" so the duck asks "you got any bread?" so the bar-man says "NO BREAD!!!!!!" so the duck asks "you got any bread?" so the bar-man says "Right you, if you ask if i've got any bread 1 more time i'll nail your beak to the bar!" so the duck pauses then asks "you got any nails?" then the bar-man replys "no" so the duck says "you got any bread?"

What do you get if you cross a kangeroo and a sheep? A wooly jumper!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with a teacher? Lots of blood tests!

What do you get if you cross a vampire with an accountant? A blood bank!

What do you get if you cross 2 head teachers? A punnie!

2 fat guys in a pub 1 says "your round" the other 1 says "so are you, you fat git!"

What do short sighted ghosts ware? spooktikles!

1 day i was so depressed i wanted to kill myself so i went down to the local librery and asked "have you any books on how to comit suaside?" and the assistant replyed "Loads of them but no-one every brings them back!"

I had an argument with my wife this morning just cos i wouldnt open thecar door for her, well to tell you the truth i paniced and swam for the surface!

What do you call a guy with a seagull on his head? Cliff!

What do you call a guy with a car on his head? Jack!

What do you call, a guy with a shark on his head? An abulance and quick!

Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see his flat mate!

The new James Bond film (Casino Royale) has no Q! Well what do you call waiting for an hour to get in?

What has 1 horn and gives milk? A milktruck!

(2002 world cup joke) Why are Brazilins such good lovers?Because they can lob Seaman from 40 yards!

2 bats up in a barn at 2 in the morning and the 1st bat says "im hungry" and the 2nd bat replys "so am i" so the 1st bat says "you stay here and keep warm i'll go and see whats out" so he flys out the barn into the darkness. 10 minutes later he comes back with blood all over his face so the 2nd bat says "gaw that must of been good! what did you have?" so the 1st bat replys "see that tree out there?" the 2nd bat replys "i" so the 1st bat says "well i didnt!"

What is the first thing an elf learns at school? The Elf-abet!

Who plays guiter and makes toys? Elfvis!

What does an elf take to cure a hangover? Elfaseltzer!

Everytime the doorbell rings my dog go's into the corner, he's not scared he's a boxer!

What does a reindeer take to cure a hangover? Elcaseltzer!

Woman goes to the docters and says "i want bigger boobs can i have implants?" so the Docter replys "well there is another way without surgery would you like try that?" so she replys "ok what do i do?" so the Docter says "ok so what you do is you, every morning just flap your arms and say i must i must improve my bust".So she goes home and does it and everyday for 4 weeks she does it, but one day she forgets and shes in the middle of ASDA so she goes down the frozen food section and does it " i must i must improve my bust" then a man walks up to her and says "i take it you go to the same Docter as me? Cos mine is hickery dickery dock..!

What do you call a pig that knows Karate? Pork Chop!

When can you tell its raining cats ang dogs? When you step in a poodle!

Pranks

If you've got the flu or a cold cover yourself in margerine and go 2 the docters and say "o i cant beleave its not better!"

Phone up the local library and when they anwser and say "East Kilbride library ho