Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with mens balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No'
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really

When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,

They call me a bitch.



When I stand up for those I love,

They call me a bitch.



When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.



Being a bitch means I won't compromise what's in my heart.

It means I live my life MY way.
>

It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.



When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it,

I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.



It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.



I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!



So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.

You won't succeed.



And if that makes me a bitch , so be it.



I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.



B = Babe
> I = In
> T = Total
> C = Control of
> H = Herself
>
> B = Beautiful
> I = Intelligent
> T = Talented
> C = Charming
> H = Hell of a Woman
>
> B = Beautiful
> I = Individual
> T = That
> C = Can
> H = Handle Anything

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and


after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time


I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.


I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless


I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.


I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing


when I want with my old buddies, and don't you


give me a hard time about it.


Those are my rules. Any comments?'


His new bride said:


'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex


here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

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 **************

Marriage (Part II)


Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!


The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone


that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'




'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone


that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


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 *******

Marriage (Part III)


Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.


Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no


good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.


After some time he realizes he was nasty and


decides to make amends and rings her up.


She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband


says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'


She says, 'I was in bed.'


'In bed this early, doing what?'


'Getting a second opinion!'


(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

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 *******

Marriage (Part IV)


A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.


He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his


wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.


One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home


and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts


at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'


His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,


shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'


(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

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 *******

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home


and were giving each other the silent treatment.


Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife


to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece


of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it


was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.


Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he


noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

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 *******

God may have created man before woman, but there


is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


************** ***************************

Send this to smart women who need a laugh


and to men you think can handle it !