<font size="+1">You are The Cap'n!</font>
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<p>Some men and women are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any scalawag who stands between them and unlimited power. You never met a man - or woman - you couldn't eviscerate. You are the definitive Man of Action, the CEO of the Seven Seas, Lee Iacocca in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. You're mission-oriented, and if anyone gets in the way, that's his problem, now isn't? Your buckle was swashed long ago and you have never been so sure of anything as your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off his head if he shows any sign of taking you on or backing down. If one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.<br><br><a href="http://talklikeapirate.com/ppi.html">
<br><br><font size="-1">What's Yer Inner Pirate?</font></a><br> <font size="-3">brought to you by <a href="http://talklikeapirate.com">The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site.</a> Arrrrr!</font>

# A pirate does not ask for directions. He relies only on his gut feeling, a compass, or a treasure map.

# Parrots are the preferred pirate companion. Monkeys are an acceptable substitute, unless they fling their feces at people. Then they are an awesome substitute.

# When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

# Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are right out.

# Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

# When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%. Flowers are not treasure under any circumstances, unless said flowers are made out of gold.

# A pirate shall never wear lipstick, nail polish, or capri pants. Actually, that kinda goes without saying.

# No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

# A pirate should always remove his hat in the presence of a bartender.

# During a swordfight, swordfighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

# No pirate shall ever wear a "fanny pack".

# All foods prepared by a pirate must include rum, grog, or beer. Boone's and other "Wench Punch" is prohibited.

# A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

# No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed. If in the presence of cannibals, a necklace is acceptable camouflage, but only if said necklace is made of human toes.

# Pirate Law: Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

# No pirate shall drink Grog out of a glass. Grog is only to be consumed either straight from the barrel, or from a mug heavy enough to to kill a man.

# Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel-- head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailory.

# A pirate shall never wrap presents. The only thing a pirate gives is a bludgerin'.

# Pirate Law: A pirate does not use the word "Fabulous". Ever.

# No pirate shall attend a movie with less than an Arrrr rating.

# Only a pirate is capable of killing another pirate. If you are not a pirate (let's say a ninja) and wish to challenge a pirate, they have a word for that. Corpse.

# Pirate Law: "ARRRRRRRRRRR..." is a perfectly acceptable answer to any question.

# A pirate does not "go shopping". Unless by "shopping", you mean "killing".

# Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unnacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase "shiver me timbers".

# Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

# Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

# No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is "wrinkled". A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

# When drinking, Pirates may sing. "Fifteen Men on a Dead Man's Chest" is preferred. Kelly Clarkson songs are not allowed.

# No pirate shall ever drive a minivan, unless he drives the minivan into a tavern, for the purposes of looting barrels of rum from said tavern. Upon completion of this task, the minivan is to be burned. No exceptions.

# No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

# If circumstances demand a career change, a move into real estate brokerage or tax collection

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.


Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.


Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.


When the Boogyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.


Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".


Chuck Norris can speak braille.


Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.


Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris


If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.


Chuck Norris thought up some of the funniest Chuck Norris facts ever, but he hasn't submitted them to the site because he doesn't believe in any form of submission.


If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.


The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.


Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.


Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.


Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.


The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.


Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.


Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.


If you try to introduce your mother to Chuck Norris, she'll introduce you to your biological father.


Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."


When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.


Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.


Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.


Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.


Chuck Norris can be divided by zero.


Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.


Chuck Norris can slam swinging doors.


Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.


If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.


We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.


Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norri