1) What's their name?
Cher Wilkie
2) Does he/she have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
yip
3) Would you go to Disneyland with them?
Yip, but by train preferably
4) How old were you when you first met?
17 0r 18
5) Do you know their secrets?
maybe some
6) Is this person older than you?
nope
7) When was the last time you saw this person?
Monday after a rough game of football
When was the last time you spoke to this person on the phone?
couple of days ago prob
9) Are you related to this person?
not quite sis in law!
10) Are you their b/f or g/f?
nope
11) Do you have a nickname for each other?
i call her all sorts when im drunk!!
12) Do you have pics of this person on your bebo?
yip
13) How many times do you talk to this person?
evey cupl of days usually
14) Do you think they will repost this?
maybe
15) Could you live with this person?
did for bout 6 months altho she was hardly ever there, prob coz we had her room
16) Why is this person your other half?
Coz i love her to bits lol and no1 else had her lol
17) Have you seen this person cry?
yeah when we were drunkenly looking for chris under some wee wooden dinghys!!!
1 Do you know this persons middle name?
yip - louise
19) Have you ever been shopping with this person?
once or twice
20) Have you ever had a sleepover with this person?
we recently had a wknd lomg sleepover in belfast which was fun
22) Have you ever gave this person something?
2 beautiful nephews, birthday & xmas pressies & my bebo luv!!
23) Have you ever done something really stupid or illegal with this person?
were kinda stupid wen were drunk sumtimes but illegals not my thing
24) Do you know everything about this person?
quite a lot hopefully
25) Does this person have a job?
yeah shes very professional
26) Does this person have you as their other half?
yeah
27) Do you think you & your other half will be best friends forever?
yep
2 Have you ever made something with this person?
weve made a crap night fun!!
29) Have you ever taken bebo pictures with this person?
dont think we have a pic together, im frightened of cameras!!!
30) Have you and your other half fought before?
nope
31) Is your #1 on drugs?
no
32) Does this person drink alcohol?
too much of it!!!
34) Have you and your other half made up a hand shake?
nope were not kids
35) Have you and your other half done prank calls together?
nope theyre bullshit
36) Have you ever seen this person dance?
of course, we tear up the dancefloor together
37) Have you ever seen this person sing?
nope
3 Do you and this person have a certain saying?
Its been emotional!!!!
39) Do you know this persons bebo password?
nope, some things should be private!
40) Do you know who this person likes or who she or he is going out with?
yes a farmer named Dave
41) Have you and this person ever gotten into a fight that lasted?
nope
42) Does this person have a dog?
nope
43) Does this person go on the computer often?
she has to at work
44) Have you and this person gone clubbing?
yes plenty of times, messy but fun
45) Do you know this person's house alarm code?
nope
46) Do you talk a lot to this person?
yeah
47) Have you licked this person?
not something im into
4 Now say something only you and this person will understand?
"I believe in a thing called love"....WALLOP
4 Has this person yelled at you?
nope
49) Have you and this person got into a fist fight?
nope
50) How much do you love this person?
lots n lots like vodka shots (dnt really like vodka but u get what im trying to say!!!)

instruction labels

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Dear Alcohol

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and Text Messages: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night? And why would you make me text people that I don't actually want to know about but seem to be unable to stay away from?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE) & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3:30pm (pre - Thirsty Thursday happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiates

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
I) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning