Absolutely no danger to health say scientists “Thousands will die”
by our scientific staff, Adrian Berry-Confused

As fears grew over the huge radioactive cloud that is passing over Britain, government spokesmen were yesterday quick to reassure the public that there is, “no risk whatsoever from nuclear contamination.”

Speaking from a concrete bunker somewhere in southern England, the government spokesman in charge of Keeping Everyone in the Dark (particularly himself as his bunker was 400 feet below the ground) said, “there were 100 times more chance of being stung to death by highly trained Libyan bees than there is of me admitting that we haven’t the slightest clue with regard to this one.”

The spokesman speaking in a muffled voice from within his lead suit, gave a detailed list of things that were absolutely 100% safe.

Milk
Rainwater
Fresh vegetables
Polish jam (if imported before 1979)
Grapefruit segments
Leopard-skin accesories

“These are all perfectly safe,” the spokesman emphasised, “provided that they are not consumed or touched or kept in the house.”

STOP PRESS

A huge cloud of government lies drifted back over Britain yesterday, but a spokesman explained, “These lies are completely harmless provided no-one believes them.”

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards; but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 50 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed that fucking putt, didn't you?"

A man's guide to answering women's questions


In a recent survey men highlighted the five questions they most
fear from a woman as follows:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (tells the truth).

Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below,
along with possible responses.

Question No 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I
am to have met you." This response obviously bears no
resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the
following:
a. Football
b. Golf
c. How fat you are
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al
Bundy, who once told Peg: "If I wanted you to know what I was
thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question No 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed
answer is in order: "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shitloads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question No 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin
c. A little extra weight looks good on you
d. I've seen fatter
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died

Question No 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course
not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died

Question No 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy
a Lotus and a boat")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour
of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not? Don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again
WOMAN: You would? [with a hurtful look on her face]
MAN: [Makes audible groan]
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them
with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed
WOMAN: [Silence]
MAN: Shit!