Never argue with an idiot. The people watching might not know the difference.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

When you're laying in bed at night looking up at the stars, don't panic when you suddenly wonder "Where the Hell is the ceiling?!"

Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and SMACK the asshole upside the head.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but giggle when you see one tumble down the stairs.

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is buy a replacement.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you've just made it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Your mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

Sometimes you'll think you understand everything, then you'll regain consciousness.

A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.

Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.

Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.

Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

There is always one more imbecile than y

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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Why do men fart more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.

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I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.

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Women will never be equal to men

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Rules of Crashing Weddings

Rule #1 - Never leave a fellow Crasher behind. Crashers take care of their own.
Rule #2 - Never use your real name.
Rule #3 - Never confess.
Rule #4 - No one goes home alone.
Rule #5 - Never let a girl get between you and a fellow Crasher.
Rule #6 - Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. Draw attention to yourself, but on your own terms.
Rule #7 - Blend in by standing out.
Rule #8 - Be the life of the party.
Rule #9 - Whatever it takes to get in, get in.
Rule #10 - Invitations are for pussies.
Rule #11 - Sensitive is good.
Rule #12 - When it stops being fun, break something.
Rule #13 - Bridesmaids are desperate - console them.
Rule #14 - You're a distant relative of a dead cousin.
Rule #15 - Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule #16 - Always have an up-to-date family tree.
Rule #17 - Every female wedding guest deserves a wedding night.
Rule #18 - You love animals and children.
Rule #19 - Toast in the native language if you know the native language and have practiced the toast. Do not wing it.
Rule #20 - Always have an early "appointment" the next morning.
Rule #21 - Definitely make sure she's 18.
Rule #22 - You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. No overtime.
Rule #23 - There's nothing wrong with having seconds. Provided there's enough women to go around.
Rule #24 - If you get outted, leave calmly. Do not run.
Rule #25 - You understand she heard that but that's not what you meant.
Rule #26 - Of course you love her.
Rule #27 - Don't over drink. The machinery must work in order to close.
Rule #28 - Make sure there's an open bar.
Rule #29 - Always be a team player. Everyone needs a little help now and again.
Rule #30 - Know the playbook so you can call an audible.
Rule #31 - If you call an audible, always make sure your fellow Crashers know.
Rule #32 - Don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely sure that they have a pulse.
Rule #33 - Never go back to your place.
Rule #34 - Be gone by sunrise.
Rule #35 - Breakfast is for closers.
Rule #36 - Your favorite movie is "The English Patient".
Rule #37 - At the reception, one hard drink or two beers max. A drunk crasher is a sloppy crasher.
Rule #38 - Never hit on the bride! It's a one-way ticket to the pavement.
Rule #39 - The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
Rule #40 - Dance with old folks and the kids. The girls will think you're "sweet."
Rule #41 - Never hit on the bride -- it's a one way ticket to the pavement
Rule #42 - Try not to break anything, unless you're not having fun.
Rule #43 - At the service, sit in the fifth row. It's close enough to wedding party to seem like you're an invited guest. Never sit in the back. The back row just smells like crashing.
Rule #44 - Create an air of mystery that involves some painful experience when interacting with the girl you're after. But don't talk about it.
Rule #45 - Always remember your fake name! Rehearse it in advance and make sure you know your fellow Crasher's code-name as well!
Rule #46 - The Rules of Wedding Crashing are sacred. Don't sully them by "improvising."
Rule #47 - You forgot your invitation in your rush to get to the church.
Rule #48 - Make sure all the single women at the wedding know you're there because you've just suffered either a terrible breakup or the death of your fiancée.
Rule #49 - Always work into the conversation: "Yeah, I have tons of money. But how does one buy happiness?"
Rule #50 - Be pensive! It draws out the "healer" in women.

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Rule #51 - Always pull out in time.
Rule #52 - Tell any woman you're interested in that you'd love to stay put but you promised to help out at the homeless shelter today.
Rule #53 - It's time to put your Drama Lessons in practice! Get choked up during the service. The girls will think you're "sensitive." Bring a slice of onion or artificial tears if neces