1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '

2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.

3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.


4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
0A'That's affa dear,' says the guy.

5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.

6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'

7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.

8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.

9. A Scotsman in London20is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?' 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.

10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'

11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.


12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.

13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.

14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan ..'

15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe.'

16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.

17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.

18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.</ STRONG>

19 .. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.

21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - 'Aye right.'

22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street . When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...

Weather warning
ARDROSSAN HURRICANE APPEAL

Hurricane ‘Senga’ hit the Ayrshire town of Ardrossan in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering “Pure mental, man no?”

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £90 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning.
Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Twenty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Sefton St , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

West FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Ardrossan.

One resident, Bernadette O’Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said “It gied me a pure fright so’s it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin’. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan- Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz”. Neighbour Joseph ‘young young’ McGurn said “The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the Neds coming oot of Lord Carsons, but it wiz even worser.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast and two tons of Tunnocks Teacakes to the area to help stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

Residents in neighbouring Saltcoats offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Ardrossan people decided they were better off where they were.

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added “There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody’s been pure blitzed”.

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes.

The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.



HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes – Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers.
Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include – Microwave chips, Pies from Greggs, Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.



*Breaking News*

Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied “ Stanley Road , whit’s it got to dae wi’ you?

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.




The third, fourth, fifth, and sixth floors have never been visited.